Feeling lousy today, as usual. This week has been a big fat zero. I sent out a slew of job applications, for positions that
(a) I have little / no interest in, but cater to my interests
(b) Are well below my previous positions in terms of seniority and prestige
(c) Pay very little
(d) Are (hopefully) flexible in terms of location

Have had little to contact with the outside world. People complain about their jobs, saying "I hate the people I work with," or "it's so boring," or "I've been doing the same thing for 10 years." I'd trade places with them anytime. Since 2010 I haven't been able to hold down a job for more than 18 months.

I even tried to work for free. I spoke about this saga in the following forum post:
Wanting to SCREAM Pt. 1, 2, 3
https://forums.psychcentral.com/bipo...am-pt-1-a.html

I offered my services to this rinky-dink startup, and they essentially told me that "they didn't feel comfortable sharing their contacts with me," and "I was being too aggressive by asking repeatedly things they didn't give me (e.g., access to documents)." I walked away from that; I don't need to deal with kissing up to people who don't appreciate my services, especially when I'm not getting paid for it.

I've been unemployed for over 8 months now. I lack the motivation to apply for jobs, and am worried that I won't be able to hold onto one now.

I've been told, "this is a blank canvas, and your opportunity to paint your story." I don't laugh much these days, but that statement gave me a hearty chuckle.

People also tell me that my identity is too wrapped up in my career, and that I should appreciate what I have (health, family, etc.). Fair enough; I've been trying to reprogram my brain, practice meditation, gratitude, etc.

I'm so frustrated with my life right now. I've tried everything: making schedules, journaling, connecting with people who might be able to help me find direction, etc. Nothing seems to work.

I'm really losing patience, and my mind.