Hi everyone-- I started therapy for the first time about a year ago. My T is really kind and has been very flexible re: a sliding scale. She has also been available via e-mail and even gave me a birthday gift.

But, the last few months have been so difficult because I've started to really focus in on how I feel like the relationship is not real. She's nice to me, but as soon as I leave the office, she doesn't give a hoot whether I'm sad or happy. Of course, that's not entirely true-- but as the one who wants to see her as a support system in my life, it feels like she's just this illusion who pretends to support me and who will eventually disappear from my life. She's a false refuge.

I acted out quite a bit (there are plenty of mommy issues in the mix, too), and we had some really hard sessions -- a lot of me just ranting and being angry about how fake she is and accusing her of not caring about me -- for about two months.

I finally said I wasn't going to come anymore because she only brought chaos into my life. When she goes on vacation, I tend to feel lighter. Her mere presence in my life causes me stress and anger.

But she has also been there through some really difficult times, and I know I could e-mail her right now, and she'd be right there for me. I also feel like, maybe this is important processing that has to be worked through?

It felt so nice to have someone be there for me, but it feels so awful to know that person is legally not allowed to even be my friend.

It's been several weeks since I "retired," but my therapist has reached out a few times to see when I want to come back and discuss what happened. I'm conflicted. I do love the support she has offered, but I know that having her in my life brings up so much anger.

Any advice please? (Thank you!)