I read the entire reasons not to thread over again, and argued with each reason, even if my argument was simply "I don't care." Then I read the emails I have gotten from my T the last several weeks, including a couple where I wrote her and asked for a hug. I thought about how nice it has been lately to feel like she actually cares about me, and not be worried that she will be mad at me or reject me or abandon me. I'm reading a book about personality disorders, that focuses on Borderline a lot, and it really fits me. That was how it started with him last night. We were getting along and I commented on how borderline i really am, and was going to ask him to read the book too, but he won't care and won't want to read the book. he agreed that i was crazy but said that therapy is making it worse because he thinks i'm lying to him about why i go to therapy and that i should be there to work on improving our relationship and keeping the family together but from what he can see it's all selfish reasons and i keep setting limits and saying that i have to work on myself before i can work on a relationship with him. he thinks that everything should be all about how it relates to him. and he says that i never tell him anything but i tried to offer to try again to explain wher i am to him and he said he won't let me change the topic and make it about me. he doesn't care about me he only cares about what he's not getting from me. i don't even care if he sees this. he won't listen if i try to talk to him or open up. he just lectures me about how it affects him without even listening long enough to know how i feel or what i think. he must think that he already knows all of that.

Anyway, i scratched my arm up with a knife and caused some temporary pain but no blood. i was cooled down too much by then and thinking about not wanting to mess up being able to feel good about T. She wouldn't like it if i resorted to cutting after writing to her to ask for hugs, even though it's been a couple of days. so i didn't do anything too bad, and it's already just a little red there, and will disappear probably by tonight. maybe she will still give me credit for trying