Hi Rdbique,

Unfortunately, I have no comforting words for you.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been through very similar experience myself. One of my therapist was like yours - reasonably caring, ethical and responsible. Others were not very ethical. But in all cases, regardless of the therapist's behavior, I was hurt more than helped simply because the therapy process itself is traumatic by design, the long-term therapy for sure. It doesn't really matter how well-meaning, competent and ethical the therapist is. You end up getting hurt anyway.

I struggled with the same dilemma as yours. I felt like I was helped significantly and that therapy was the only place I could safely talk about myself. At the same time, it was unbearable to know that the person who was seeing my most vulnerable and deep parts had to behave with emotional detachment. I found it unnatural and unhealthy. If it was a matter of one or two consultations, it wouldn't be a big deal, but a long term regular visits where you are in a position to continuously spill your guts in front of someone who cannot respond in a natural human way, let alone share their own feelings and experiences - that is a violation of a human nature IMO.

That being said, I don't regret my therapy experiences despite the fact that I was traumatized as a result. In hindsight I understand that in our imperfect world there was no better way for me to get the self-knowledge I got through therapy. Yes, I've paid too high a price for that knowledge and no, I don't believe the price was justified. All I am saying is that there was just no other way for me to do what I needed to do for myself at that time. If I knew back then what I know now, I would've found the way to heal without therapy, but the paradox is that in order for me to know what I know now and to become who I am today I had to do through that painful and traumatic therapy experience.

For the same reason, I believe, you have been in therapy as much as you have. You did what you needed to do because you didn't know a better way. Now, when you have doubts, I'd say listen to your senses. When you say you feel lighter when your therapist goes on vacation, I think that tells you everything you need to know. Our senses don't lie and don't distort the reality.

Like you, I felt gratitude to my therapists for everything they did for me that proved to be helpful and that gratitude kept me stuck in unhealthy situations when I became dependent on them. Like you, I felt a moral obligation to "work through" whatever ruptures and misunderstandings I had with them. It was a big mistake.

You don't owe your therapist anything except money, which I trust you've already paid. It's okay to feel grateful for what was helpful but that doesn't mean you owe her anything. If she did something good for you, it was her job for which you've already paid. You can express your gratitude for whatever was helpful to you, that's up to you. But you don't owe her anything beyond that. If you have been feeling worse for some time that means that your therapist has come to her limitations and no amount of "working through" would change that. From your description it sounds like you've been confronting her pretty intensely. When it comes to that point the therapist should honestly admit that they have come to the limit of their competence and refer you to another professional. But I don't believe your therapist would do it, so you would have to take care of yourself.

In my experience, the longer you stay in this situation, the darker and heavier it becomes and the more difficult it becomes to leave it and move on.