Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
I think holding on to the idea of how others do us wrong creates a bit of a victim mentality (not saying you like to be a victim but in general there is adanger of getting used to feeling that way).
That’s why I think it’s wiser to switch focus from being a victim to being in charge. Unless you were abducted and was forced into something, you (hypothetical as many of us can relate to that) you decide to bring in and support jobless and homeless person who repeatedly lies and whom you only knew online etc We decide to enter relationships or pursue wrong people when it’s pretty obvious is a bad choice.
Rather exploring what he says and why he was nasty explore why you did that. And not in order to be angry but to understand yourself better, learn from mistakes etc Focusing on how he lies or that he perhaps loved someone more keeps you in a victim role.
He isn’t worth all this ruminating. He isn’t a great man but you are upset relationship didn’t work out. He is not the father of your children whom you have to put up with now. He was just a guy you unfortunately felt in love with who turned out to be a bad partner, likely face to face interaction was short and only lasted few months. It wasn’t even years of your life wasted. Your ruminating over him lasts longer than your relationship! It’s really not worth to waste another minute on it.
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Yeah, all good points!
I am not so upset that the relationship didn't work out. It wasn't meant to.. he was a very bad man, and is not a good partner for me.
It doesn't matter so much imo the length of time that I am ruminating.. I mean, we were engaged after all, and we were together for a year. It is now eight or so months after our final breakup..... what I need to get to the bottom of is WHY I am ruminating so much.
Truth is, I am still kicking myself over this HUGE mistake I made... a mistake in judgement.... a mistake because I was so desperate for a relationship or love at the time, he love bombed me and I fed into it hook, line and sinker.... a mistake because I ignored all the warning signs, a mistake because I moved him here in a knee jerk reaction to his homelessness crisis, and against my better judgement. I feel I really should have known better, and that I could have done SO much better than that. After ALL I've been through with abusive relationships, I really should have known better. I've already learned this lesson... many times over.
I have a tendency to beat myself up endlessly over a mistake. I am very hard on myself... I am a perfectionist, and that comes from my parents and my upbringing. They are perfectionists and came down on me very hard, all my life.
I think I need greater compassion for myself for where I was mentally and emotionally at the time... I had just come out of one abusive relationship, and rebounded right into another abusive relationship. I was not in a good place in my life.. living under my parents' roof and not independently. I was emotionally vulnerable and he came into the picture.
I suppose I feel I really could have saved myself from a LOT of heartache and financial trouble had I just been smarter and far more aware, you know???
Yes, I am beating myself up, still. That is what the real crux of the issue is.... beneath my obsessing over his cruelty..... I am really just very angry at myself and feel SO very foolish and stupid.
Maybe if I can somehow forgive myself and find compassion for where I was then, maybe then I can finally let this go....
I also am ruminating over standing up to him, for my own self respect... something else I need to explore in therapy.
Good news is, I am in a far better place now. I am independent again, I have a full time job I am starting, I have a loving boyfriend and a healthy relationship for once... all good things... I am trying to embrace all these positives that have happened over the last many months.