Yeah, all good points!

I am not so upset that the relationship didn't work out. It wasn't meant to.. he was a very bad man, and is not a good partner for me.

It doesn't matter so much imo the length of time that I am ruminating.. I mean, we were engaged after all, and we were together for a year. It is now eight or so months after our final breakup..... what I need to get to the bottom of is WHY I am ruminating so much.

Truth is, I am still kicking myself over this HUGE mistake I made... a mistake in judgement.... a mistake because I was so desperate for a relationship or love at the time, he love bombed me and I fed into it hook, line and sinker.... a mistake because I ignored all the warning signs, a mistake because I moved him here in a knee jerk reaction to his homelessness crisis, and against my better judgement. I feel I really should have known better, and that I could have done SO much better than that. After ALL I've been through with abusive relationships, I really should have known better. I've already learned this lesson... many times over.

I have a tendency to beat myself up endlessly over a mistake. I am very hard on myself... I am a perfectionist, and that comes from my parents and my upbringing. They are perfectionists and came down on me very hard, all my life.

I think I need greater compassion for myself for where I was mentally and emotionally at the time... I had just come out of one abusive relationship, and rebounded right into another abusive relationship. I was not in a good place in my life.. living under my parents' roof and not independently. I was emotionally vulnerable and he came into the picture.

I suppose I feel I really could have saved myself from a LOT of heartache and financial trouble had I just been smarter and far more aware, you know???

Yes, I am beating myself up, still. That is what the real crux of the issue is.... beneath my obsessing over his cruelty..... I am really just very angry at myself and feel SO very foolish and stupid.

Maybe if I can somehow forgive myself and find compassion for where I was then, maybe then I can finally let this go....

I also am ruminating over standing up to him, for my own self respect... something else I need to explore in therapy.

Good news is, I am in a far better place now. I am independent again, I have a full time job I am starting, I have a loving boyfriend and a healthy relationship for once... all good things... I am trying to embrace all these positives that have happened over the last many months.