Had T Thursday. Right after I sat down, T said, "You surprised me. I expected to get an e-mail after Monday's session. I wasn't sure what you'd say in it, but I figured I'd get something." Me: "Yeah, I admit, later that evening I thought about e-mailing you. But then I was like, 'No, I can handle this. I can make it to Thursday.'" T: "That's good. What did you do to handle it?"

Me: "OK, this may sound odd...but I made a list of some of the words that you and I said on Monday, like words that would normally bother me. Words I had trouble saying out loud--which I'm sure you could tell during session. And for whatever reason, it seemed to help." T: "Interesting. I'm glad it helped. That makes me think about how processing trauma can be challenging because it can be difficult to put words to what happened." Me; "Hm, that makes sense. But are you suggesting what we talked about Monday is a trauma?" T: "Not necessarily. But your reaction to the topic seems similar." I said, "Yeah, with having difficult talking about it, using the words. The shame." T: "Exactly." Me: "Hm...interesting..."

We then spent much of the session discussing various symptoms of my OCD (which is somewhat tied into what we discussed Monday). Like having to do things in certain quantities--buy 3 or 5 items at Target, not 4, for example. I tried to explain how sometimes I sort of get out of that one by saying "well this is a pair of socks, so that's kind of two items." T was really confused, thinking I was somehow only buying one sock, but I managed to explain so he got it. I said how I used to have lots of other things I had to do. But with some of that, I'd managed to push through and not really do it anymore. He asked how, and I said I wasn't sure, like I would just push the thoughts from my mind?

I said how I also felt I had to say certain things for fear something bad would happen if I didn't. Like, if I go into D's bedroom at night (whether she is awake or asleep), I have to say, "I love you [nickname for her]" before I left. And that the last thing I have to say when she goes out the door (like with H), is, "I love you [nickname]." Which I might have to repeat if H says something to me and I have to reply (I'll tell him I love him, too, just before D). T said that wasn't too unusual, how lots of people might think "What if this is the last time I see this person?" so they want to say they love them. I say I worry about that, too. He mentioned a friend of his whose husband was sick in the hospital. How she told him that she felt she had to think about her H all the time during the hospital, that if she wasn't thinking about him for a second, she felt like something bad would happen to him. (Hearing that made me feel a bit better.) I asked if the husband was OK now, and T said he was. I said "Good."

I said it was interesting that I felt OK talking about OCD now with him, because it used to be a big source of shame for me. How one session with ex-T, she was tying to say all the stuff I felt for ex-MC was basically just a symptom of my OCD, like obsessive thoughts. How all of that, plus some other stuff she said, really upset me because it was like she thought so much of me was the OCD. I said how I was shaking most of the session. T: "Oh, wow." I said it felt less shameful talking about it with him for some reason. (I didn't say this at the time, but I suspect part of why it was an issue talking about it with ex-T was negative maternal transference...Plus current T seems more accepting/normalizing of it and less pathologizing, like using the example with his friend.)

Something about my list of traumas (a literal list I'd typed out and given to him maybe a month before, with the plan to discuss it in the future) came up. T said how we had seemed to put that on the back burner, or something. I said I had discussed a few things from it, giving an example of something with my grandmother. But that I wasn't sure how to approach the actual list. I'd tried to go over much of it with ex-T in one session, and that had been rather overwhelming. So do I discuss it by category? Something else? We decided it would be a good thing for me to think about.

I said how I guessed this session hadn't really followed up so much on Monday's...but actually I guess it had, since the OCD theme tied in. T agreed. We confirmed Monday and scheduled for Thursday (I really need to ask T about his vacation plans because every time we go to schedule, I'm waiting for him to say he's going to be away that week...especially now that his son will be out of school after next week).

Went over and paid (forget what I talked about). Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend!" I said, "You, too!" He said, "It's supposed to be really nice this weekend, so get out and enjoy it--doctor's orders!" I laughed and said OK, that I would. Then headed out.

Felt good about things walking out and while running an errand, then got all weepy in the car and ended up e-mailing him that night (putting in separate post).