I am a 19 year old hetrosexual male. I had always been in girls of my age or mature women but over the last few months, I have been feeling disturbed near children. I suspect that I may be attracted to them.

I don't know exactly how I feel, wether it is a sexual feeling, but I know that I don't fantasize children naked or doing sexual things, but again I have been depressed recently and haven't fantasized any girl of my age, doing sexual things, either. I mostly watch legal teen porn, but it keeps popping up in my head that perhaps I like this porn because it is the closest to child porn. I keep saying to myself that I will be aroused by watching child porn and will begin preferring it too. I am afraid that I am going to turn into a pedophile, loosing sexual interest in girls of my age, and start finding little girls erotic.

I feel extremely embarrassed to say this, but I think I should. Yesterday, I was doing a net search on pedophilia, but it made my condition worse, as today, I had been feeling extremely disturbed near an 8 year old cousin. I kept thinking that I am being attracted to her, even though I tried resisting that feeling. I didn't get an erection but felt something in my penis and groin area. I felt extremely embarrassed and sick. I kept thinking that maybe I didn't get an erection because I was resisting it or because she is like a sister, but that I may be aroused if there was some other child. In the past, we had been friendly and she is a sweet child. But I doubt myself that wether it was a brotherly feeling or if I was unconsciously attracted to her all this time. If she sat in my lap and if I ever felt strange, I always removed her, but now I doubt myself that I was doing it for pleasure and I abused her, and it makes me feel very gulited and disgusted. What makes this anxiety worse is this that, I had always found little girls cuter than little boys; thus I keep thinking that it was because I was attracted to the little girls.

I still find girls of my age very attractive, but I am afraid that I like little prepubescent children too. I had recently experimented myself by going over non nude photos of both children and girls of my age. I had an initial natural erection(for sometime) on older girls but nonetheless felt a tingling feeling while watching little children, though no erection.
I am so confused on this all. I have felt depressed and like a monster. One of the things that I can never accept to be is a pedophile. But I dread that I gonna be one of those pedophiles who hate themselves. I know for certain that I will never abuse a child but it doesn't take long to lose one's humanity. I had been avoiding talking to or being near kids but the anxiety comes up even if I see a kid. There is so much going on in my head, that I can't come up to any conclusion.