First I want to wish you Seesaw well My take is you seem to be way overcritical about yourself We are all human and we make mistakes Thing to do is to learn from them Pleas don't be so hard on yourself. I too suffered an abusive, mostly verbal relationship Don't mean to compare. Only saying I can and do relate. Therapy helped me. I like reading the suggestions, insights of other members who posted here. I find them helpful reading different perspectives Hoping you received some benefits from the replies here too.