Having a down day. I’m assuming it’s the day. I lost my father when I was ten and then of course my son’s father three years ago. I didn’t think it was bothering me but subconsciously it probably is. I’m not down and out depressed today but not happy either.

I’m down on myself too. No job, no prospects. Afraid I won’t be able to handle any job I could get either. I crumble under pressure. I never used to. I used to be fine. But now...sigh.

I think I need to do something to help my self esteem. I’m thinking of what kind of hobby I could take up that would help me feel better about myself. I’m leaning toward cooking. I used to like cooking way back in the day. When I had someone to cook for. It’s hard to do things just on my own now. Like why cook a meal just for myself you know. But maybe I’ll get some satisfaction out of it. I need to do something to keep myself occupied while looking for a job and also just to feel better about myself in general.

The other thing is that my son’s needs might be more intense than I initially realized. I knew he probably had adhd but his therapist thinks there may be a sensory issue at play as well. She wants him to get an OT workup through his school once she makes a formal diagnosis and can refer him to services. I am already overwhelmed. I am going through a rough patch with him. He’s becoming more defiant. Not outwardly refusing to do things but taking a much longer time to do them and complaininga lot more about it. Then if my mom’s downstairs I get on edge because she gets all huffy that he’s not listening right away and she starts either yelling at him or she storms upstairs, which just reminds me of my own childhood. I really need to get my own place so I don’t have to deal with this anymore but I can’t.

I feel like such a loser right now. I can’t even provide the right things for my son. I can’t provide the right living environment, I can’t provide the right emotional support, I can’t do anything.

Ugh. Sorry for the pity party. I’m trying not to let it get me down too much.