So I’ve noticed that even if I get peace of mind about something that I agonised over, sooner or later, I still end up feeling anxious about it. This is particularly true in relation to emailing T. The first time he didn’t reply to one of my emails, I convinced myself, over the course of 6 days, that I had crossed a boundary and annoyed him, or that he would chuck me out of therapy. It got to a point where I genuinely thought I was going to throw up before the appointment. Of course, no such thing happened. In fact, quite the opposite went down: T said that he welcomes these sorts of emails but that he won’t always be able to reply. Initially, I took that to mean that I can just email him (within reason) without worrying that I’m bothering him or that I’m pushing on his boundaries. Besides, I only tend to do it once every six weeks or so.

I recently sent him another pretty vulnerable email to which he didn’t reply. Although I keep reminding myself that he’s ok with me reaching out, I can’t stop thinking that maybe this time I went too far, that maybe I said something weird, made him mad at me somehow. I realise I’m reacting like a little kid scared of being reprimanded/abandoned by a parental figure, but I don’t know how to be rational about it. I don’t want to stop emailing him when I feel the need to because I think it has the potential to be a healing experience (opening up to someone and not being rejected), but waiting for some sort of acknowledgement is literally killing me.

I know there’s been a lot of posts about emails, so please feel free to ignore. I think I just needed to rant.