Wow, turns out when you are not so severely depressed that thinking and speaking seem impossible, therapy can go by quickly AND feel productive!

TRIGGER WARNING IN CONTENT OF POST of SUI/talk of death:











My T asked if I had called the wellness place, and I had not. I told her I had a better week, so I am fine. She disagrees and says that when I can't get out of bed for an entire weekend, or have to drag myself out to go visit really good friends, and when I think about suicide as often as I have been, that is not "fine" and "normal."

I told her that I think I lost perspective on myself, because all of that does seem normal to me. More comfortable than going to a place where I am going to have to give up all my bad coping mechanisms, forced to talk to other people, and *gasp* maybe feel better. I told her I was scared to feel better. I might have to be pro-active about my life, whereas at least with depression, that idea is laughable. Plus when you are feeling better, it is only farther to fall.

She said that I could not have gotten any further down than I have been unless I was dead. I did have to agree with her, that the week before the only way I could have gone further down was be dead.

I still don't know what I want to do, bc even though I stopped taking abilify, she said that it did have an effect on me. Even though it gave me too much energy (severe restlessness ALL THE TIME, do not recommend), I went for a hike this weekend and didn't have to drag myself out, and am considering going out dancing with friends on Friday night. She said what I had been doing psychiatry-wise has not been working, so she wants me to continue to work with my psychiatrist to either lower the dose or try something else.

Then I talked to her about how since I had a better week and am not in "crisis," it would be silly to go to this place. She disagrees, but agreed with me that they could always turn me down if they didn't think I was a good fit.

I showed her some art I made, lovingly titled "Tendrils of Death
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We talked a little bit about how in my black hole of childhood memories (3ish-11ish), that I see myself as been a pretty well-behaved child, and caused no problems, so everything was perfect! (Not perfect, but you know, really good)

She doesn't really believe me and says that when people first have children, its tough on everyone, especially in my case where I was born so premature and extra needs. And the fact my parents were teenagers.

All in all it was a good session. This almost never happens

I still have to decide what on earth I am going to do about this wellness place.