I feel ashamed of myself, but I have reasons I guess (or so I think, but logical people would tell you otherwise). I do know what it's like to feel like if someone handed you a gun that you wouldn't hesitate to pull the trigger, and my two attempts without were both stupidly planned so didn't work. I'm not sure what to say to comfort you as I'm not sure what would have made me feel better in that state of mind... Just know you're not alone in feeling this way.