I feel suicidal as well, although it's not bad enough yet to the point where I'm about to do it. For the past several years I just wait for something bad enough to happen to me to give me enough reason to end it. So far no luck. I mean, it's actually happens a zillion times, probably from bipolar cycles, but it doesn't last long enough for me to end it. It's complicated for my situation. I hope you're feeling better today.