T yesterday. Sat down, and he said he had to apologize to me, that he'd intended to reread my e-mail from Thursday that morning but time got away from him. I said was OK, that I had a copy with me if he wanted to read. He asked if I wanted to read part to him, to have him read whole thing, have him skim it. I opted for "have him skim it" and handed it to him.

I sat there awkwardly for a moment, then noticed the small sand tray on the table next to me. I pulled a gecko out of the sand onto a rock. There was a tiny skunk I picked up. I toyed with it standing on its front legs spraying the gecko, but opted to just move it a little closer. T was done reading, and I said "Please don't put any significance to what I did in sand table." He made some joke about analyzing it. I said what I was going to do with the skunk, and he said "Thanks for not putting it that way and leaving it" (I assume for other clients).

I asked if he had an idea where to start. He didn't know. He asked me. I didn't know. Long pause. I forget the order of some of this, so not sure if this was first. He said one thing was about the separation between his personal and professional life. I was like, "What? I don't think I've been particularly prying into your personal life lately." T said he knew that, but some of this was how it all started, with my googling and figuring out where he was (that tournament months ago). I was like, "Oh. I thought we were OK on that." I think he said we were? And he mentioned the thing again about how Googling is OK if just the first page of results, but not really beyond that. I said, "I haven't been googling you lately either." T: "OK, I didn't think you had been, but I appreciate you saying that." Me: "I think I found out whatever it was I needed to know before, that got resolved, so I haven't felt the need to do it. And it's not like I've ever, say, looked up your wife or anything like that." He said he appreciated that.

Oh right, also in there, he gave example of how he's on LinkedIn, which is professional (which, yeah, I found him on there before I started seeing him, I think). But if a client wanted to connect with him on LinkedIn, he'd decline. Me: "Uh, I don't want to connect with you on LinkedIn." T: "I was more just trying to make a point." Me: "OK...and if my name came up as a suggestion, it's because I looked you up ages ago." T: "You'd probably come up anyway because we e-mail." Me: "True."

I think around then I brought up the thing with the stone. I said how I'd been especially bothered by his comparison to a fan digging through Bruce Willis' trash. He said he wasn't really comparing me to that. Me: "But you said it fell on the same spectrum." T: "Yes, but at a different point on the spectrum." Me: "But I feel like it should be on a different spectrum all together. A completely different thing."

He mentioned again about whether it represented him. T: "If you holding it was like you were holding me, then it would make me uncomfortable." Me: "As I said before, that's not how I saw it." T: "OK, I know." I said it was more like something I'd put in the e-mail, that it's what he represented. T said, "I think you said three things, like acceptance..." Me: "And nonjudgmental and safe." He commented on how it seemed to bring up fears about that, so it's interesting it represents those things to me. I said it was more what I felt it represented when he first gave it to me (cue the tears), how it felt like he was seeing things differently, was willing to work differently with me, then I realized once I told him about getting comfort from holding it, that it was the opposite. That it seemed kind of...incongruent? Maybe that's the wrong word...

I said how I saw it as more of a way to keep a connection or something to bring me comfort if I was struggling. He said he didn't want me to be relying on something like that, how he wanted me to be talking to friends, to H, maybe posting on the forum. Or to be able to comfort myself. I said, "Yeah, I do those things, too, reaching out to friends, H. This is more if I'm awake in the middle of the night, feeling bad, I wouldn't want to wake up H, my friends would be asleep, so holding something like a stone could be comforting. But really just in that circumstance, it's not the first thing I'd normally go to." T seemed to sort of understand. I was trying to think of a way to compare to something to bridge the gap while forming stronger connections, but all I could think of was "stepping stone" and that seemed silly, so...but I kinda wish I'd said that anyway.

I said how I knew I had that other stone/crystal, the one I'd brought it, and he'd technically held that for a minute that day, but I hadn't held that at all. I figured it might make him uncomfortable since he'd held it. He said that was different, and if I had it with me and wanted to set it on the table next to me to sort of charge, that it was fine. I opted not to.

I asked what made that OK and not a stone from his office. He said how many of the items in his office, he has a personal connection to. They have stories behind them. Some were things he'd picked up on his travels, some things his clients have given him. T: "And there's been a lot of emotion shared in that room, so there's a lot of emotional energy here. And I've had some of the most profound conversations of my life in this room." Me: "...OK."

He said he couldn't remember which stone he'd given me. I said it was triangular, with a white stripe going down the middle, brown. He reached to the window ledge behind him, picked it up, and held it up to me. "This one?" Me: "Yes." I stupidly thought for a second that he might offer it back, especially after my explanation of how I use it. But he didn't. He just said, "Yeah, I don't remember where I got that one." (I was relieved it wasn't from a client...) He sat it back down and I felt sad.

I shifted to talking about some of my fears regarding him. Crying, I said I worried he regretted taking me on, that he'd probably chosen his practice specialties to not deal with clients like me, who had attachment issues. That I kept worrying how at some point, he'd just be like, "Nope, can't deal with this anymore." T: "It sounds like your real fears are about rejection and abandonment then." Me: "Yeah, I guess so." T: "I have no intentions of rejecting or abandoning you." Me (through more tears): "Thank you. And I appreciate you not actually promising that because I know it's not a promise someone can truly make." (I was also thinking how ex-MC had made that promise...)

I said another fear was that he mostly deals with shorter-term clients, and it would be coming up on a year for me in September, so I was worried he'd think I should be done by then. He said I was mind-reading there (he said that a couple other times in session, too) and asked why I had that impression? I said I guessed because he'd said 6 years was a long time to see ex-T and some other things he's said. T: "I have a few clients I've been seeing as long as 12 years." Me: "Really? Oh." He said some people have issues that can't be dealt with quickly, that might persist through their lives. Me: "You mean like anxiety and depression and OCD?" (my issues). T: "Yes, like that for example."

I said part of my issue with ex-T close to the end is that she seemed frustrated/disappointed that I wasn't all better. T said he understood how that could be difficult, if she didn't think I'd improved. I said: "But I was doing better! It bothered me that she didn't seem able to see it." T: "Oh, OK. If you see someone regularly for a long time, could be harder to tell." Me: "True...like seeing a kid everyday vs. only once a year, if it's only once a year you might be like 'Wow he's grown so much!' but the parents can't see it. Maybe that was a bad example." T: "I think that's a perfect example."

Then I said maybe that was one of my fears with him, too (crying again), that he wouldn't think I was getting better fast enough. That he'd think, "Gees, she's coming twice a week and still not better?" That he might think I'm not trying hard enough. Me: "But I am trying, I am doing the work." T: "I know you are." Me: "Thanks. And maybe this isn't just about you, maybe it's fears that other people think that too, like H."

I said on the other side of things...I also worried that he didn't think I had *enough* issue to be seeing him as often as I was. That maybe he's thinking, "What is she doing still coming here twice a week? She doesn't have that many problems!" He said I seemed to keep doing that, comparing my issues to those of others, when it's a very individual thing. How (as he's said before) we all react to things differently for many reasons. That he has some clients who have been through hell and seem fairly unfazed, and others, something that some people deal with all the time, like their parents getting divorced, could totally destroy them.

I said something about how I feared he thought I was exaggerating my issues or something, or that maybe he'd think I was just malingering. T: "I don't think you're a good enough actress to be faking all this." I kinda laughed and was like, "I don't know if that's a positive statement or not!" He smiled. Me: "Like, wow, you have so many issues, no way you could be making it up!" He laughed at that--one of the few moments of levity in the whole session. There was another moment, too, when he noticed a hawk right outside the window and was like, "Wow, look, it's one of the hawks!" he seemed like a kid with his excitement, and it was endearing.

We were over time by that point, and he didn't seem to be making any movement to end it, so I grabbed my phone. Confirmed Thursday, he said he saved 12:30 Monday for me--did I want it? Took that, went over and threw my giant pile of tissues in trash can. Paid, shook hands (as I was telling him something positive about D and her teacher). T: "Today's Monday, right?" Me: "Yes." T: "OK, see you....later this week." Me: "See you then.

E-mailed him later that night, he sent a long response this morning, may be seeing him tomorrow instead of Thursday.