I don't know when, but somewhere along my life I divided my emotions into two categories: acceptable and not acceptable.

But sadness... I can't find it acceptable in myself to display it. But anger I do. I try to transform the sadness into anger because I feel like I can accept that I'm angry, but I can't accept that I'm sad. I deny to myself that I'm sad. I tell myself if I'm sad I'm weak, but yet I say that anger is so much more acceptable.

But I just feel so hopeless sometimes... I can't tell my friends I'm sad, I have a big thing with my self-image and to want to cry, to be sad, I perceive it as a weakness in me.

But I'm just so damn tired of not letting myself be sad, I'm tired of shrugging it off like it's not acceptable in myself. I don't enjoy anything because I'm always trying to avoid feeling the way I feel.

I know it's wrong... I know it's ok to cry and to be sad, but I can't destroy that line that divides my emotions. I just get so mad with myself, feeling like I'm a lost cause and that I'll never get better.

But I'm always ok in the end, I always get by, but I'm tired of just getting by. I want to be happy and doing well for once. I didn't think suppressing sadness wouldn't be healthy.