My session yesterday was divided in two, the first half where we talked intensely about something we found out we have in common. Very positive. I had other serious stuff to talk about, but T has told me before it is OK to share the positive with him too, so I did.

Then we got into the hard stuff I've been dealing with lately, and I dumped a mountain of anxiety into that room with us. I raised my voice a lot. I was angry (not at T). I swore. And made a lot of irrational statements, I'm sure. This is not the me he usually sees. I'm pretty contained, very rarely angry. I think he was a bit bowled over--where should he begin to help me with this? It was as if he was standing in a fierce wind, bracing himself, trying to remain upright so he could help. I don't think I gave him enough space to help me, I was too busy being angry.

I did not feel better at all after this session. Releasing anger does nothing for me. In fact, it makes me feel worse. I feel EMBARRASSED for my behavior in his office. I hate him seeing me be so dysfunctional. One thing I remember him saying was, "I can see how scared you are." So he saw this extended outburst as a manifestation of fear. I agree.

I have been struggling with wanting to contact T and apologize for my behavior. I almost emailed him last night. I just wanted to somehow connect and apologize for being so angry and irrational. But I felt also somehow that was not a good thing to do. That I should be able to be angry and not apologize. That he should be able to accept my anger in therapy. It is confusing. I have the strong urge to apologize but yet feel that is somehow not the right course either. I thought of emailing him a poem I sometimes read for reassurance when I go off the deep end (it helps normalize such volatile behavior for me)--I know he likes this poet too. But then I felt there was something kind of appeasatory about that, and maybe the poem was just an apology by any other name. What do you think--should I send a brief email to connect/apologize? Or is it OK for me to have been angry and not apologize or try to minimize it?

On the way out of his office, I asked him to be careful. With what he told to who. And that kind of pissed him off a bit, I could tell, maybe at me telling him how to do his job, or maybe because I was indicating I don't trust him to know what's best. (I have waived confidentiality between us, so I know he is going to go off and tell someone something about our session, and this causes me anxiety. I can't help it. It was related to the anger of the session.) Anyway, when I felt he was pissed at me, I backed off immediately, turned away from him, and went out the door. He immediately came after me and started saying stuff, like trying to make amends. He knew that was a little rupture at the end and he tried to make it all better. But he was just saying this stuff in the waiting room in front of the next client, and AAACCKKK, that does not work for me, I don't even know what he said, just that there is this male client I don't know from Adam listening to the end of our session. So I left quickly.