I am applying the trigger icon for those who are attached to their T's, if you are feeling sensitive about that right now, you might want to exit this thread.

I am still reeling from tonight's session. I just can't make sense of this yet.

I started the session with finally letting T read the one fantasy about him and I that I wrote down back in 2006. I know it is based on the erotic transference so that isn't the issue.

He read it and we talked about how really it is about me wanting a connection with a guy in a way that I don't have with my husband right now. Okay, fine so far...

Somehow we get back on to the we won't be friends after therapy topic. This started last session because I've been thinking about the end of therapy and how we won't see each other again. I have no idea why I started this conversation last week, it isn't because I am doing better and feel therapy should end. There is some other reason I'm not getting right now.

So then I can feel tension building in me and I'm mad because he says we have a therapeutic friendship but what the heck does that mean? Here is my all or nothing thinking kicking in but we are either friends, or we aren't. If we are, then once I am healed (down the line of course) I can't see why the friendship needs to end forever.

So he's making his case and asking me if I understand why things have to be the way they are right now and then I said "fine when the time comes, I'll drop you don't worry". It all went down hill from there.

Last session he asked me if I liked him too much. Well, that is what I always hear from men so I expected him to say that eventually. I went into this again and how I don't beg anyone to be friends with me (yeah like he believes that now) and I don't want to be vulnerable to him anymore.

I said I usually pull back when I feel a guy or him for that matter pull back. Then I drop them and that is it. He asked me if that is painful and I said at first, but I always get over it. I told him that I just can't end our relationship the right way, I can't do it. Gradual tapering off of sessions and then this big good bye.

Inside I was getting more and more torn up (the session was almost over too) and I brought this all on myself! Then he said he hoped that I didn't end things like this and he was sorry he disappointed me. That was all he needed to say...then I had the meltdown and started crying...how embarrassing.

The rest is fuzzy but he talked about how perhaps I love too much then start pushing men away and then that is what happens, they go away and I'm left hurting or something like that. An abandonment/rejection sort of thing.

I guess this is the borderline in me (my words). I started to see what he was saying and understand what I was doing tonight. Luckily I apologized for being mean to him because really I do feel close to him and don't want him to go away.

I forget exactly what he said but it helped me somehow. He said something about enjoy our relationship now and laugh now with him, my husband and other in my life rather than focus on the end etc.

I had only planned tonight to finally try and go deeper and have him read the damn fantasy...the rest of what happened just seems unreal to me right now.

Who was I tonight?? Certainly not what he or anyone would want to be friends with...why do I torture myself like this?