I relate. I wasn't originally conflicted about emailing a T and would not worry much if he did not reply, I thought I just wanted to get my thoughts out. But he handled it awfully - all over the place between encouraging emails and making me feel bad that I did. Sometimes very unpredictably, his reactions were clearly his, but making it sound like he tried to protect me from sabotaging / self destructive behaviors. I think he grossly misinterpreted why I emailed him, infused it with generic, dogmatic perceptions. This carried over into my work with my second T, who welcomed emails and never said anything wrong about it, even after seeing how conflicted I was. I still have ambivalence about reaching out to professionals at times outside of formal appointments - for example, most recently with a lawyer, who encouraged me to contact him, ask questions etc many times and always responds quickly.