I feel like there are a lot of people here with stories worse than mine, I've had a couple friends tell me its alright, things are different for different people, so trying to keep that in mind while writing this...

I don't like people.

Its not against anyone, I don't...

Every time I think back, all I feel is hurt... it seems so trivial to me...

But it still hurts me deep down...

I was once a nice, open person with some idea what was going on. I once trusted people blindly...

I just want to know why.

I can recognize some of it, but I can't let it go yet, and that bugs me...

All my life I've been a target of bullies. Anything... from simple childhood avoidance and name poking to.. outright... well... god hard to say...

Well, molested, and much worse... young as when I was six... but too scared to tell people.

It... only happened 3 times, and all different people...

All people who hated me to begin with...

But this... it didn't affect me as much as the past few years have...

Between that house in 2006 (I posted that somewhere... I'll repost it... if someone wants me to...) and having friends who I adored and trusted with my life, and didn't know all they wanted me for was to talk behind my back, lead me into a lie and then turn their back onto me, shove me in the dirt and call me all kinds of nasty names... even to people who I've never met...

Sometimes... with how many times its happened... if they were right.

I feel useless right now, perfectly useless, I tried so many things just to get people to leave me alone, ignoring them, getting very bad hygiene... I know it seems gross, but I wanted people to leave me alone and I was 10 at the time of the hygiene...

But each day it now hurts me... I try hard not to show it to people, but each day each incident replays in my mind, it hurts, and I can't ever force myself to look through each of those days and find a way to tell them it wasn't me...

Because each time it feels like its my fault...

Each day, each incident, it questions my reason and will to live, it questions my worthiness as a human, and I want it to stop...

I have a talent for igorning people so much that basically I will leave my body and then sudden;ly remind myself to breathe... because I just want people to leave me aloen that much.

I know its not as bad as some, but it hurts me... I don't know why...