I have chronic Generalised Anxiety Disorder and chronic severe generalised Social Anxiety Disorder (think traits of Avoidant Personality Disorder) due to a difficult upbringing and young adulthood. I also self harm and have chronic passive suicidal ideation.

I did about 30 sessions of standard Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (Not Trauma focused CBT which is different) and am on psych meds but did not see much improvement while I understood intellectually that many of my fears were irrational and that I have a lot of cognitive distortions, I could not change my beliefs because they're really strong emotional beliefs.

I have improved dramatically in therapy with my current therapist who utilises a blend of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Schema Focused Therapy with some light Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. We're around 70 sessions in and we're working on breaking ingrained patterns of behaviour, processing painful memories and rescripting them, and working on changing my core emotional beliefs.

My partner, therapist and healthy friends (the first healthy friends in my life) have remarked repeatedly that I am a transformed person. I function at a much higher level at my job (which now requires a lot more social interaction, more people skills and responsibility than I first started 6 years ago) and in my personal life. I go several months without self harm. I eat regularly and no longer starve myself. I occasionally socialise with friends. Suicidal thoughts occur way less often and episodes are much milder. I no longer get hit in the home.

How I used to be:
I used to be unable to look at people's faces and went around staring at the floor. I would often be too frightened to speak in a group or 1 on 1 with bosses. Making a phone call required at least half an hour of screwing up my courage. Small talk stressed me out.

I couldn't go anywhere out of my tiny "Safe zones" and "safe public transport routes" alone. I couldn't go into stores on my own and going with a familiar person brought intense anxiety. I had no friends or acquaintances. I clung to my partner whom I met online and even though he was the safest person whom I trusted most in the world, I trembled like a leaf when we hugged each other or held hands. I was a recluse outside if work. I self harmed easily 3x a day. I had a lot of chronic passive suicidal ideation. Eating meals regularly was a struggle, same for basic oral hygiene and I would go two or three weeks without showering since I lacked the energy.

While I held a job, colleagues commented behind my back and to my face that I looked like "a terrified mouse", that I am "stupid" and disheveled and unkempt. They would laugh at me and call me "cave woman" and some really homophobic slurs. Some "friends" would do things like pinch the nerve point in the back of my neck "for fun", push me physically around, belittle me verbally, invade my personal space, scare me by trying to sneak up on me to startle me because I'd a strong startle response and hyperviligence.

I also regularly experienced violence in the home from a parent despite me being an adult , and the other parent would blame me. I had no clue then that this was illegal and wrong and that I had options. Leaving was inconceivable as I lacked supportive friends or relatives and the violence was normal to me and I had no hope in my life.