To me reading what you have said your conflict makes perfect sense.
From the outside it looks like, understandably, all of it is real. The hurt was real, the need to blame self in order to trust parents was real. It feels like both can't be real.
Both CAN be real.
The hurt was real.
The need to blame self in order to rationalize the hurt was a very real response to the hurt.
The parents are sometimes hurtful.
The parents are sometimes not hurtful.
Believe all of it. The struggle is real.

(I have a very similar struggle too)