I have had a good amount of success with turning things around during this current stint of therapy. I have been in therapy on and off since I was 16. During my time with different therapists, I learned some good things but never really got to the root of my problems. I didn't even know what the root was -- I actually sort of thought I had a "chemical imbalance" and was unfixable. I have had depression on and off (but mostly on) since I was about 13 with some anxiety issues mixed in. I met the criteria for persistent depressive disorder and have had periods of major depression too.

This current bit of therapy has been much more intense, both emotionally and in terms of session frequency (twice a week instead of weekly or every other week). My T mostly uses a relational therapy approach, so she is very comfortable talking about the therapeutic relationship (when I want to go there) and with helping me deal with current relationships and form new ones. (She has other skills too, but the relational ones are what I value the most.) I actually saw her for a while for other stuff before we decided it made sense to dig into the deep, core stuff.

For me, it has been very enlightening to build a strong relationship with my therapist and then be able to deconstruct the relationship and examine all of the assumptions I make about how other people feel about me and to really explore how I feel about myself. I had/have a lot of negative perceptions of myself (and low self-esteem in general), and my T has gradually become someone I trust to see me clearly and then to help me see myself more clearly. Over and over I have said that I think people see me a certain way (nearly always judgmental or bad) and she has shared whatever reaction she has had (generally positive or neutral). Slowly this has allowed me to let go of some pretty nasty distorted thinking and to recognize that I need to distance myself from the people (family members) who do feel that way about me and treat me accordingly.

I had to learn to open up and be really vulnerable and honest, even when it was painful or embarrassing to do so. Obviously this is risky and intense stuff, so it was really important for there to be a good "fit" personality-wise between my T and me. Plus I need somebody well-trained and with good boundaries or else none of this would be safe. She helped me tear down a lot of my defenses, and now I'm slowly rebuilding with her guidance. I feel like I will always carry parts of her with me, and those parts will serve me better in life than some of the more negative things my parents instilled in me. I can definitely see a difference in my ability to enjoy life and relationships and to make new friends and try new things. It doesn't take nearly as much effort to be happy anymore.