Warning: ridiculously long!

T yesterday. Sat down. He said (as he noted in the e-mail) that he realized last session was rather disjointed, with many topics left rather open, so he knew we'd be coming back to them. I said it was good that he realized that, since he's said before he sometimes has different impressions of sessions than me.

I said I know he prefers meeting in person, but that I specifically wanted an e-mail response for a reason. I know things like body language are an important part of communication. He agreed. Me: "But...I'm not sure how to explain this, but sometimes it's like I can be in here and maybe I'm bothered by something you said, but then by the end we're smiling and laughing, and I'm thinking, 'OK, everything is fine.' And then minutes or hours after I leave, the words you said will come back to me, and I'll realize I'm not fine." T: "Hm." "It was really a big problem with ex-MC, like I could come into session really upset or angry with him, then he could look at me a certain caring way, and it's like I would just be like, 'aww, everything is OK.' When really it wasn't, and I'd be mad at myself afterward. So I just wanted the words this time."

T: "Also, the good thing about an e-mail, is you can go back and look at it, you don't have to trust your memory of what was said." Me: "Yes, and then it gives me something to go back and read later if I'm feeling insecure about the relationship or something. I hope it doesn't bother you that I reread them sometimes." T: "No, of course not. I'm glad that you don't just skim them once and stuff them in a folder or the trash and never look at them again. It makes the time I put into them more worth it."

Me: "OK, good. With ex-MC...there was this one voicemail he left me a few years ago when I was in a really bad place, and he just sounded so caring, like not just being a therapist, but like he personally cared about whether I was OK, his voice cracking and things. I don't even know how many times I listened to it after that, but it was a lot. And even after what happened, I can't bring myself to delete it" (I was full-on crying at this point).

I talked about ex-MC being really inconsistent with me (which I'd discussed some before), how the fact that he'd only reply sometimes made me push him more for e-mail responses and feel more anxious about them. While with T, I know he'll always respond in some way, so it's less anxiety-inducing. T said he tries to be consistent. I said I appreciated that. I said that ex-MC would sometimes be fine with me talking about the transference, including in session, but other times he'd say "we should try to stick to marriage counseling boundaries," so I'd never really know when it was OK to talk about. And how I'd read that parents who were really inconsistent with their kids--I think that leads to disorganized attachment? T said he knew that inconsistent parents tended to be the worst for kids because it's confusing. I said that's how it felt with ex-MC. And I think it made me push more for responses and made the transference more intense.

Me: "I know you're worried about me repeating patterns with you. That you wouldn't want me to have a bad ending again. But the thing is, I almost had a good ending with ex-MC. I was started to pull back from him, feel less connected, less needy." [crying lots here]. "Had I not gone to that concert and sent that e-mail (the "I love you so much" one), maybe I just could have continued pulling back and left fully on my own choice on good terms. I mean, I know he didn't make me leave, but his reaction made me feel like I couldn't have the good ending I wanted. But I was close to a good ending! I could have done it. I don't know, it was like...the feelings were fading and part of me was trying to cling onto them desperately or something, kind of like a college student leaving home, then being like 'wait, no I'm not ready!' Maybe that was a bad analogy. And I'm totally giving this monologue, I'm sorry." T: "It's OK, this is helpful to understand."

I said, since I had gotten so emotional during all of that, I probably needed to address the ex-MC thing with him more at some point, because it still feels like it's affecting me, plus it's making me worry about stuff with him (T), too.

I shifted back to T, saying in the e-mail he'd addressed boundaries some, and I'm completely clear on the ethical ones and why they exist. But some of his other boundaries seem a bit unclear to me, so sometimes I don't know what's OK to share with him. He asked why I was so worried about his reaction. I hesitated, then said, "OK, I know I said I wasn't going to bring this up till you have a chance to get consultation, but I don't know how to explain it otherwise. It's because of the stone, how you seemed so horrified by the thought of my holding it if I associated with you." T: "I didn't feel 'horrified.' Just a bit uncomfortable." Me: "OK, it just felt like a really intense reaction from here." T: "I don't know if that's just something with me, that maybe most other therapists would have been fine with it. Which is why I want to talk to a colleague about it." Me: "Yeah, it could be. And maybe you think that many clients wouldn't have been so bothered by your reaction."

T: "Were you worried I'd kick you out over that?" Me: "Yeah, kind of, I guess." T: "I never would have done that." Me: "OK. But I just worry because, I know you may think your boundaries are clear, but some of them don't seem clear to me. Like saying it's OK to Google you, then saying later that really only the first page of results is OK. When...those results are kind of arbitrary anyway. Some really personal stuff sometimes shows up on that first page, like a person's address." T: "Good point, I guess the page 1 is a bit arbitrary, but it was more the idea of what was OK to search."

T: "I know we've discussed this before, how you think a client should be able to say anything in therapy, but as you know, I don't agree with that." Me: "I just keep thinking that this should be the one place where I *can* share anything, that if I can't share it here... And that I should be able to ask you anything, you can just opt not to answer." T: "I don't really think that you can ask anything. Some things wouldn't be appropriate." Me: "Like if, say, I asked you what sorts of things you like to do sexually, that wouldn't be appropriate?" T: "Yes, exactly."

Me: "But I still want to be able to share anything." T: "I just think there are limits, that you don't have to share everything. If a client told me, 'Wow, I really wish you could come on vacation with me and my husband, you could sit at the dinner table with us, and help us work through everything, ha ha!' That's a totally fine thing to share." Me: "OK, that makes sense." T: "But if she were to say to me, 'I have this elaborate sexual fantasy involving you and my husband, and this is the point where I rip off your clothes,' that wouldn't be OK." Me: "Yeah, OK."

(I realized later that I need to clarify this with him next week. Did he mean she was actually trying to seduce him in session, rip off his clothes right then? Which, OK, yeah, that's crossing a boundary. Or was it that she'd had just had a sexual fantasy about him and shared it? Because that's a really common transference thing and seems like it should be something that's OK to talk about.)

I said I felt like maybe we were straying too much from what I had intended to talk about. He said I could look at my notes if I wanted. I glanced down at my notes and immediately started crying. T: "What just happened there? What's going on?" Me: "I was just thinking about something I'd written, about what you'd said Monday. How you'd said you had no intention of rejecting or abandoning me. And ex-MC had said basically the same thing, except more of a promise. And so maybe that was kind of triggering for me." T: "OK." Me: "And I know he didn't truly abandon me, but..."

T: "Let me ask you a question. Thinking back on relationships that ended in your life, are they any that you would *not* classify as an abandonment?" Me: "Well, yeah. I mean, like losing touch with college friends, where it's more of a mutual thing. Or leaving co-workers if I'm leaving a job. Is that what you mean?" T: "Yes those are good examples. Since some relationships come to a natural end" Me: "Are you trying to figure out what my definition of 'abandonment' is?" T: "Yes, to get a sense of how you see relationship endings." Me: "Well, I guess if it was a romantic relationship, it was either me breaking up with him or him breaking up with me, so someone was abandoning someone. And I guess I still feel kind of abandoned by my ex-best friend because I never knew what happened there." T: "OK, but you don't think that all endings are necessarily abandonments though." Me: "No, just certain ones."

I forget how this came up, but I said something about trusting ex-MC more at first, since he mentioned dealing with anxiety. How ex-T had always seemed so pulled together and like she had no problems, so it was harder for me to trust her in some ways. I don't think I realized I felt this way before regarding current T, but the following just tumbled out of my mouth: "You're a pro athlete, you have a PhD, a successful career, are married with a kid--well, I guess I'm married with a kid, too, but..." He said it was like Facebook syndrome, where people assume everyone else's lives are better than they really are because of what they post. I said yeah, I guess maybe it's like that. How it's something that often comes up in the forums, how someone will say how their therapist is leading this seemingly perfect life, then leaving for a 4-week yacht tour of Europe--then I said, "well, i guess you can't really take a yacht tour of Europe, but you get what I mean." T laughed and said "Yes, I understand."

Boundaries came up again and my fears of sharing something that would bother him. I said the problem is, if I keep stuff inside because I feel I shouldn't share it, then it's sort of the "don't think of a pink elephant" thing. (where if you tell someone/yourself not to think of a pink elephant, then what are they going to think of? A pink elephant.) How I feel that keeping stuff inside intensifies it. I asked T if he thought a boundary could be violated by feelings, or if it was just behaviors? T said he didn't think you could violate a boundary with a feeling, because you can't really control those. I was like, "Yeah, ex-MC was always big on how you can't control your feelings."

I said I just worried I'd break a rule with him that I didn't even know was there. Or that he didn't even know was there. I reluctantly mentioned the stone thing again as an example. He said he hadn't anticipated how he would have reacted to that either. I said, "So how do I manage it then, if you don't even know what you're react to? What if I cross another line?' T: "Then we'd work through it. We'd process it. I wouldn't kick you out the door." Me: "But how can I really know that, if you don't even know how you might react to something?" T: "Like I said, it would be OK, we'd work through it. It wouldn't threaten the relationship. Again, I have no intention of rejecting you or abandoning you."

I said I guess this is something I struggle with in all relationships. How once I'd said in an ex-MC session that I wish I had a sort of book of rules for each person, where as long as I follow the rules and don't break any, then the relationship is OK and I can't get abandoned. But those don't exist. T: "No they don't." Me: "Hm, I guess that sounds sort of OCD-ish, doesn't it? Or maybe anxiety?" T: "I was just thinking, that seems a way of trying to keep control, like OCD or anxiety." Me; "I guess this is something we need to discuss more, isn't it?" (I saw we were out of time), "In a future session." T: "Yes, I agree." Me: "I feel like maybe I didn't get to all the topics I'd intended to talk about today, but I think this was productive." T: "I'm glad you found it productive. I agree."

Confirmed Monday, scheduled for next Thursday. Went over, paid, as I said, "Right now, I feel like today's session went well and I feel OK about things here. Hopefully that will hold, but it's hard to tell." T: "Well, life is messy." Me: "Yeah, it is." Shook hands as he said "Have a good day." Me: "You, too." I sort of glanced back at him and mumbled "Thanks," then walked out.

A day later, I do still feel OK to good about the session and relationship with him, no crying, no e-mails. I'm sure some of the conversations will be ongoing on certain topics, but some stuff feels more settled, at least for now.