ON monday I was talking about how I felt I wanted to detinate myself and the world. T said what is stopping you? I was stopped in my tracks when she said that. I was certain up until that point that was what I wanted too do. T then said that though I was talking about detinating myself and the world, my voice didn't portray that rage, that I was saying it in a very quite small voice. I've been thinking about it ever since, thinking that rage inside me somewhere was the one talking about the blowing up of myself, but I refuse to really acknowledge it, to let it out completely instead I let it out in little bits which really isn't getting me anywhere. T takes a week off next week, I refused to admit that I am angry at her yet again because I guess I feel If I get angry at her and blow her up I will be alone which I realise is the basis of my anger when she isnt there, that I feel its her fault that I have to fear being alone, if she never went away Ii'd never have to face this aloness. But as I wrote about this last night I realised that I can't be as alone as I felt as a child, I have a grown up life now with my own family, so tthese feelings are from the past, yet again, sigh, but it feels easier to feel its T thats the cause of this and not the past, I guess thinking its T I then feel I can do something about it, get T to see things my way and stay with me LOL, but if its the past and already happened then all thats left is to finally face the fact that I was once frustrated and alone and afraid and angry and thoug writing it is so simple, actually going there emotionally and re experiencing it is so much more difficult. I played out a session last night where I allowed myself to tell T to %#@&#! off, and I allowed myself to not really like her so much, at first that felt scary because I felt I had killed the only thing that could save me, but after awhile it helped be balance the feelings because I know I dont hate T completely, but it was quite freeing to explore this side also. I think I have tried to keep the negative feelings down incase they were real and I did kill T, but I know now that I don't hate her completely and that helped make her more human. Perhaps now I need to start talking with her about how it would be if I disliked her.