It's not logical. I think it is great that you want to blow things up the same time your T is talking about not going to be there for a session; my T had to tell me many many weeks in advance so I could get to that. I was always "fine" at first but then I'd go out after a session, see her car and want to slash her tires Another time, it took a week but I was driving along and started thinking of switchblade knives. Very startling since I've never handled one, would no doubt get hurt trying to use it; all I know about switchblade knives I learned watching West Side Story, LOL!

I don't think you're afraid to be angry. I think you are quite brave; I know about the molten lava inside that you aren't letting out. You have to be strong and brave not to let it out because you don't really want to hurt T. Can you practice saying to T one of these times (with a bit of feeling :-) that you don't want her to go away? Sharing that together is an interesting thing. The pressure of the odd symbols of anger all the time lets up some if you can literally tell her you don't want her to go. Telling her doesn't change the reality, she'll still not be there the next week :-) but it allows for sharing the misery and anger and you know she knows and you don't have to use such extreme symbols as bombs and blowing up, etc.