I don't know how I missed this, and my response is well. . dual. First of all, the thoughtfulness and care with which he explicated his ideas about bonds in therapy says many good things about him in my eyes. Caring for you as a client rises from the email like fog from the river outside my window right now, burning off before the sun rises fully. He is engaged in his work with you.

There isn't however any give to caring about you the way that you might want to be cared for- he said the best boundaries support BOTH people and are understood by both. This is problematic bc you are right now in a discovery process trying to suss out what exactly are the boundaries so you don't cross them, but that is for his sake and not really yours. You dot want to ask for anything that will get you punished or rejected, and are playing defense to his offense. He is the chairman of the boundaries, if not the dictator . The boundaries he says support both people. This is the rub- Do they boundaries meet the client's needs or are they there primarily for the T to be safe in doing the work without getting too personally involved?

For me personally, the bond between me and my T isn't always healthy and reasonable from my perspective . His expectation for me to pick the thing I most don't want to talk about and share it openly with him, then leave mid sentence without feelings of protest or disruption violate my sense of what is a safe way to speak to another human. He doesn't care about that. On the flip side, I would never call him on the phone or go to his house- that isn't bc he told me not to or set that boundary, but it is bc it would violate MY sense of appropriate for the relationship. So our negotiation about what's healthy and good for both people lies in the country between session ending on the dot and what could happen to make things better between us would be less than a phonemail. I want my T to check on me after a harrowing session( maybe once every 6 months) , and I want my T to email with me like your T des with you. To him these are boundary violations into his persona space. Ugg. The bottom line is, we feel differently, but we do it his way. My option is to leave for a different T or have no say in the boundaries.

LT,
I appreciate your concerns. Even while our session was happening I had expected that there would be a lot of loose ends and unclear issues that we would need to come back to either by email or at our next session. Regarding your other email about the stone, I'm sorry for the confusion and if my picking it up was hurtful to you. Not my intention, but I can see how you may have expected me to give it back to you at that moment as I reflect on the conversation with hindsight - which is, of course, 20/20. At this point the whole stone-as-a-connection concept has become muddled to me and I think I will need to talk to a colleague or two as a way of helping me make sense of my thinking and your needs/request.

In reading your thoughts on attachment/connection, I think that you're taking a black and white mindset to something that is more nuanced. Of course you are allowed - and in fact supposed to - develop an attachment, bond, connection, and/or feelings towards our relationship. That happens in all relationships. How that connection plays out and gets expressed, and the boundaries of what is or is not healthy, appropriate, and/or reasonable in that relationship, is profoundly important. The roles that each person plays in the relationship in some ways dictate those boundaries. For example, the attachment of a teacher to a student has different rules than that teacher's relationship to a spouse, his/her boss, or the doctor that is treating him/her for a medical condition. Those relationships can be closer or more distant depending on a lot of factors, but that is independent of the fact that there are boundaries/rules. Those rules are sometimes simply understood or unspoken - for example the relationship between a server and a customer - but in other contexts parts or all of the boundaries are rigidly articulated - like doctor-patient. Some of those roles allow for dual relationships, some do not, and some only under certain circumstances. In almost all cases dual relationships can be problematic.

I think that the most successful therapy outcomes are only possible when a client feels that their therapist cares deeply and take a serious investment in their problems. There is a closeness and intimacy that can develop within the confine of the therapy room. Some people find the limits of the therapist/client relationship frustrating and will invalidate the connection because of the limits placed on it by the clear boundaries expressed in our ethic codes for the protection of both the client and the therapist.

It's been my experience that you can have both - closeness and also boundaries. In fact, I'd argue that all healthy relationships have both closeness and boundaries. Actually, I think boundaries help with the closeness when those boundaries are thoughtful and support both people mutually. For example, I have a client with opposing political views to my own, and he will sometimes try to engage in discourse on the subject. I hold a strict boundary with him not to participate in that conversation, although he is welcome to share his beliefs if that's how he wants to spend his time. It is my belief - and the belief of other therapists - that the boundary protects both of us. I think there are - or will need to be - boundaries over what you share with your mother, or at least boundaries within yourself when it comes to your expectations and how she responds to you. Those boundaries would help you feel less hurt/rejected, and as a result would make it easier for you to feel emotionally close to your mother. She then benefits from feeling closer to you.

My concern for our work together has centered around some of your past relationships that have ended badly. There seems to be a theme of boundaries getting blurred, or perhaps the closeness you feel becoming complicated in a way that ends up unraveling the relationship. I very much want for this therapy experience to be different in that regard. I want you to be able to feel cared about and to trust my investment in your wellbeing, and for you to feel a connection to me as your therapist. I also want you to be able to feel good about the boundaries of our relationship and for your attachment, bond, and expectations to comfortably stay within those rules/boundaries. Additionally, I want you to be able to have full, rich, close, loving and dependable relationships with the people in your life outside of the therapy room - and most importantly with yourself.

Hopefully this makes sense to you, and when we talk more about it later this week we can continue to gain clarity. If you want to meet earlier than Thursday I do have time on Wednesday - right now I have 12:30 available.

(I ended up taking today's slot and canceling tomorrow--will write up today's later, but think it generally went well.)[/QUOTE]