((((((((((Almeda)))))))))))))
I could have written this post a few months ago! I went through and am still going through the same thing. You might have read this, but here is a quote from an email that my T wrote me about the same thing we are experiencing:

<font color="green"> In regards to your present struggle, I'd have you recognize that this may prove the most essential part of the work you have to do - to tolerate, explore, and ultimately accept that tension between becoming absolutely attached and rejecting/fleeing. Realize that there really is nothing remarkable going on around you at this moment, so the suffering you're feeling is a pure reflection of that dynamic. Breath, be still, and realize that there really is nothing you have to do right now to be ok. </font>

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So then I can feel tension building in me and I'm mad because he says we have a therapeutic friendship but what the heck does that mean? Here is my all or nothing thinking kicking in but we are either friends, or we aren't. If we are, then once I am healed (down the line of course) I can't see why the friendship needs to end forever.

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I know EXACTLY how you feel. It feels devastating I know. I told my T that I wanted him to be my friend so he could be with me forever. He said that he wouldn't lie to hurt my feelings. I felt so rejected. He said that it could never be because he would always be the one in power. Ughhhhhh. It's excruciating, devastating, I know.

I have an emptiness inside of me and he tells me that he cannot fill it, that only I can. Know that it does get better, although it may take awhile. I still go back and forth between devastation and being okay. Hopefully that will get better

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I brought this all on myself!

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Maybe so, but it would have come up sooner or later. It has to be dealt with. YOU CAN DO THIS! We'll do it together. PM me if you need to.

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Who was I tonight??

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You were a person who was hurt and angry because in a sense your T rejected you. I know it had to be done, but it still feels like rejection. My anger took a couple of months to dissipate (still lingers) and we had to work through it. It was difficult work, but I'm told that this is very healthy. This means you are getting better, even though it doesn't feel that way.

Take care of yourself, Almeda. I know exactly how you feel, exactly what you are going through. PM me anytime! Love ya'

Soliaree