Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8
In a way, I realize it is comforting to know that my T cares enough about me and knows me well enough to want me to stay on track. She knows that when I start thinking about her in unhealthy ways it's not good for me. She has always stressed that she's a professional and that I pay her to help me function in my life, and that it's not about her. She's always wanted to hear about my real life supports other than her. Always. Often I fought her on that because I wanted it to be different. But T is my therapist. She sends me love and hugs as my therapist who wants to help me and cares deeply for me. She doesn't require anything back from me except money. She can't BE the solution. She can only help me FIND solutions and listen to me. I know this intellectually and have always known it. Accepting it emotionally is what is so very difficult.
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I feel like this is what my T has been trying to do as well. He's said a few times that he doesn't want me to end up on the same dependent/needy path (I'm not saying you're this way! speaking for myself here) I was on with ex-MC. And I think he struggles at times with how to allow me to talk about whatever connection or transference I have for him and how to be there for me and support me without leading me down that same path. He's trying to focus on my strengthening my outside-therapy relationships and feeling more confident and connected in them rather than becoming dependent on him. Which on a cognitive level, I respect and very much appreciate. But then on a more emotional, less rational level, it's like, "But why can't I just depend on you?"
So it sounds much like you, in trying to reconcile the emotional and more logical sides. I think both of our T's have our best interests at heart. But that doesn't mean it isn't going to hurt sometimes.