I am fearful-avoidant as well. My first therapy experience went about 4.5 years too long (out of 5.5 years). Looking back, when I left that first session I wasn't sure how I felt. I was intensely anxious the whole time in therapy. I was CONSTANTLY afraid my T hated me/wanted to fire me. SHe did know about this fear, and reassured me she didn't feel that way, but I never felt like it was...genuine? I am not sure. She was really nice and a competent T, but I think she was too reserved/blank slate for me. She knew how much I HATED the silence at the beginning of session. I never knew how to start, and my anxiety always won.

With my current T,I left the first session going "Wow! She seemed to get me so well. That is incredible!" More importantly, she knows about my anxiety (and it is still there, but for the most part much milder than my last therapy), and she doesn't let me sit in agonized silence for minutes at a time. She is much more open and transparent and I just connect to her better.

That isn't to say that all my anxieties went away. I still fear that she will get sick of me, but rarely. She reassures every time I bring it up (and so did my last T), but there is just something different there. I can't quite explain it. But, as recent as 3 weeks ago, I was ready to quit. I managed to make myself go in and talk to her about what happened, and we worked through it.

I have been with this T for 3 years, and in many ways, I feel like we are just beginning to get deeper. She already knows a lot more about me that I couldn't share with my last T, and part of that is her willingness to ask me all sorts of difficult questions, which takes the onus on me always having to give up all the hard stuff. It is still difficult and I never make eye contact and hide under a pillow every session, but she understands. She has never shamed me for it and when things are really bad for me, she gently encourages me to lift my hands off my face, that it might help me feel better.

Ask any other questions you can think of!