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sunrise said:
It sounds from this post that you are preparing yourself for the end. Bringing this topic up is preparation. You're practicing how it might happen.

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You know, I think you are right Sunny perhaps I did want a dry run or perhaps I pushed him away to see if he'd still be there? He is still there.

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sunrise said:
Yet it also sounds like you don't want to follow your same old patterns--abruptedly leaving a relationship so you don't get hurt--but it's hard not to.

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You are right. No I don't want to repeat the old patterns but I don't want to lose his friendship either. I guess I want it all don't I? I told him last night that he can't have me both way. I can't be vulnerable and then know at the end it is bye bye.

I need to think about that statement more...

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sunrise said:
That sounds so very painful to me too.

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Oh believe me it is. I even said to myself 'oh great' meaning what a week it is going to be until next session.

I can feel the past pulling at me. Part of me does want to kick him to the curb. That is my pattern. I want him to hurt and feel the loss of my friendship. I should realize though that it won't hurt him, it will hurt me. He'll go on and I won't.

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[b]sunrise said:[/b I am glad that made you feel better. As you've seen in my thread, I am struggling with whether an apology is the right thing to do. I wasn't mean to my T, so it's different. But kind of the same.].

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I'm glad I did and I asked him if he was mad at me and as usual he said no. I needed that closure but part of me still wants him to call and see if I'm okay...I know he won't though. I wish he would at least once...