This has not been a good year.

I didn't realize at the beginning of the year how depressed I was because he was just systematically tearing me down, little by little, while at the same time telling me how much he wanted me, felt safe with me, couldn't wait to have me in his arms. And after I left, after I couldn't deny his lying and cheating anymore, the pain became worse.

I don't know where my BPD reactions to this end and the normal pain begins. I know a lot of me has acted out of the BPD. I stood in the shower a half hour ago, sobbing and dry-heaving. And then getting almost too worn out to wash conditioner out of my hair because, I mean, I've been in bed sick the last four days and kind of forgot to eat much. Or drink much.

I want to move on from this. Emotionally and physically, I can't tolerate it much longer. And I was doing fine, but having someone come at me constantly is like a little bird pecking at my face, "You meant nothing. It was a lie. He never wanted you. You're psycho. You're sick. You're a horrible human being." I know what the truth is, and for a little while, I felt like that was all I needed. I was rocking on. But the constant picking I am not strong enough to handle. And when someone builds you up the way he, I'm ashamed to say, easily did...makes you feel like they are your knight in shining armor which, let's be real, you were secretly hoping for because you're so sick of waiting in the dating pool...then just slashes you open with absolutely zero regard, not to mention he had been with someone (and some side chicks) the whole time he was filling your head with pretty stories it cuts so deep.

My T says I have PTSD and I thought, that's weird for something like this, but I can see it. I don't go out on my days off. I don't want to interact with people. I have sometime multiple dreams in a week of us fighting brutally, or of he or his girlfriend chasing me. I question anything out of the norm, now. Did I mention one of them is trying, daily, to get into my private Instagram account? How long before they're messing with my home? My job? All because he is a liar.

My friends don't get it, and I lost my best friend in the middle of all of this. She kept saying, "I don't understand...if you didn't want him in the end, why is this hurting so much?" And it devolved into an I need religion argument and...the friendship was probably done anyway. But I literally have two friends and my sister. And they are sick to death of me, trust. I don't know who to talk to and y'know, that whole BPD thing of overwhelming emotions gets SO overwhelming sometimes that I don't know what else to do. I can usually do pretty well. This is pushing me beyond.

It sounds stupid, but the suicide of Anthony Bourdain hit me really hard. He was my favorite. I have a signed copy of one of his books, watched all of his shows. I admired him for his no-holds-barred personality and for rising above his demons. No one saw it coming. A week later, I found out an old acquaintance/friend from the blogging world, someone I'd lost touch with in the last 5 years had also done the same thing. Stacy was like...formidable. She was successful, gorgeous, talented...everything I wanted to be when I met her in 2006. Our friendship was purely online, mainly regarding the blog world, but we'd had a lot of little individual chats and bonded over some similar experiences. I looked her up to see how she was, possibly reconnect (she would have been like "OMG!!! Amazing! How have you been! ), and there it was. And it makes me feel like...who is safe? How am I safe if these people I admired couldn't do it? Why do I want to continue fighting if they didn't? If they, with a huge support group and resources, talents, gifts, attractiveness, etc, didn't want to or couldn't fight, how can I?

I'm sorry if this is long, it's one of those posts where I'm crying and just need some kind of release for the emotion. If you've gotten this far, thank you for reading.