Ugh, I could just strangle your "you just need religion" friend... People like her are the entire reason I don't do religion anymore myself. You're better off without her if she's going to be that cold.

I have BPD too so I can relate a lot with what you're saying, and having lost a guy in that manner... My situation wasn't quite as bad, but very similar to yours. Years later I still have a hard time not letting what he did rule my reactions to other people, even though I know I shouldn't do that.

As for the Anthony Bourdain thing... I too recently lost two "celebrities" to suicide that I like. Not as much as you liked Anthony I think, but both were important to me. Chester Bennington (lead singer of Linkin Park) last year and this year Avicii (electronic artist). I start to wonder who will do it next year... I can't listen to their songs anymore without thinking about suicide, as if I didn't think about it enough. LP's music was always kinda sad, at least the stuff I liked was, but it helped me cope a lot through teen/young adult years. I haven't yet done the normal thing and cried over them, I'm just sort of numb to it... Which I don't think is a good thing, but I have such a hard time crying the last few years. Emotions just don't process correctly for me, which I guess I blame on the BPD. I either have a huge rush of them I can' control or I'm numb.

I wish I knew what to say to comfort you. Hopefully the "you're not alone" thing sort of helps...