I had a NP appt this week, 3 days into starting a new job. Swell, like that looks good as I once again try to pick up the pieces of my life after going through the past experiences of the last few years.

The NP, since I can't afford a real doc, has officially changed the dx to Bipolar, but don't know specifically what type. I have experienced the full blown mania, with initial presentation of Major Depression. I have been in what I would term as rapid cycle and mixed states over the past several weeks. She started me on Divalproex ER to start, took me off the Gabapentin because of the side effects--thinks that is what sent me into full mania episode). I still feel like I'm in it, but not, either---Mixed again?

What I don't know is how much of this is just effects of the different meds I have been tried on, or if they just "woke" things up, and frankly, to me this all makes sense, but I don't want to accept this. Logically, it fits. Hind sight, it fits. Spiritually, it conflicts in every way. My faith is very important to me and my family.

I go to support group on Tuesdays, and I feel better to talk about what I am going through, but at the same time, hearing everyone else's stories just makes me more upset. I am considering not going back. It seems pointless, really.

Sometimes I look at this site for insight and possible help in coping with this bad dream I seem to be living out daily, and I sometimes find comfort knowing I am not alone in my struggle, but at the same time, I don't want to embrace this diagnosis. My faith tells me it is not the truth---BiPolar may be a fact, but now I really don't feel any different than when this whole thing started a couple months back, like 3 steps back from where I was---and not better, just now I know what the culprit is.

I can't figure it out. I am afraid. I try to cope with working again, because I don't any longer have the luxury and misery of not working. I have a family to provide for, and no help. This really sucks. I love Jesus, and it is only by His spirit and my faith that I can even muster up what little strength I have to wake up every morning and attempt to do anything. The mania or depressive, whichever or both keeps me up at night, wakes me too early. The meds do nothing for me, and I am broke....

Oh well....next...