I feel very limited, like my world is real small, and my single liner posts that lack any real depth shows it all. It’s like trying to pull something solid together from a swirling dark cloud of gas and getting nothing- I feel dumb.

Me and the others feel stunted because most of our experiences and our knowledge is divided up into parts that aren’t accessible to each other, just to the one that has them. Because of this, I feel dumb. I feel dumb to relationships, dumb to small talk, dumb to group meetings, dumb to normal person to person conversation, just dumb. Sure our smarts comes and goes, but the dumb is here to stay. I can feel that dumb wall in my mind, it blocks access to a lifetime of information and achievements.

Sometimes I try real hard to remember to then can’t, or might get a flashback, or we have a switch and now everything’s different.

Being now 50 with miles under our belt we can now play it off...but as a teenager we were too quiet, walked around in a confused stupor and daze, and isolated- nobody did anything to help, not our parents, not our schools. Our parents always being complimented on what we’ll behaved children they got: out of pure fear we behaved, my sisters and I that is.

If anything, that is why I want integration, to get my past back together so as to quit being dumb in the future- or does it even matter anymore....