Hello LadyLovely: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you experiencing so much turmoil. I know you feel badly about what you did. But, from what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your husband had it coming. Yes I guess it would be great if one could always take the high road, so to speak, & rise above one's abuser. But sometimes I think the reality is one just has to fight back as best one can. The problem with this of course is, as you well know, if you're not really able to match your adversary's power, you can end up just getting hurt even worse.

You didn't mention anything, in your post, with regard to where things go from here with you. It sounds to me as though perhaps you're reaching a point where you may need to be thinking about escaping from this situation. (Of course I realize since you have children that does make it more complicated.) Anyway... assuming that you might be at least starting to consider the possibility of getting out, here's a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website as well as their telephone number:

Home | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

1 (800) 799-7233

Along with this... since you have children one other forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the healthy parenting forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/healthy-parenting/

Another forum that may be of interest would be the relationships & communication forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

And then here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of domestic abuse:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-ca...stic-violence/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/underst...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-mista...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/steps-t...stic-violence/

https://psychcentral.com/resources/A...stic_Violence/

https://psychcentral.com/resources/A...upport_Groups/

My best wishes to you...

P.S. You mentioned having suicidal thoughts & that your mother committed suicide. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to mess around with. (I've been there a couple of times.) So I hope that, in some way, you can reach out in real life for help... both with your marital situation & with regard to your suicidal thoughts. You don't deserve to have to live like this...