I don't know what I'm doing here. There's just this nagging voice at the back of my head that desperately needs some attention even though I feel like hiding myself away in a corner of the world.

I mean, I really can't be bothered. I get why I should be bothered. I understand that I need to try because I'm an important little unique part of this large intricately woven tapestry of life and it means something...something in the grand vision of life. I get that being this unique little part is an important thing...but you know what, I don't want to be. I really don't want to be this little unique part. I want someone to just take these reigns from me so I don't have to keep doing this. I don't care about how this goes. I don't care about where this goes. I just don't want to be in control of it. See that's the thing I can't seem to find any support for. That's the thing I want to cry out for help and get attention for...I want someone to just take away my control. But everyone that helps and wants to help...they keep telling me of all the freedom I have and the various options I could go down. I don't want to know wany of that. That's all effort. That I don't want to be bothered with. I don't want to keep doing this and I just want to know if there is anyone that can tell me how.

This is all I really think about if I even allow myself to think these days. I spend most of my time escaping in fantasies so I don't have to deal with reality. And I intermittently hold conversations and keep in touch with the most necessary parts of my real world so that I can keep the front of "coping".

I don't even want to be sending this, but I feel like I should.