Quote:
Originally Posted by nonightowl
 
From what I learned in 2 grief groups: Whatever you feel or don't feel is okay. Feelings for grief are not orderly or linear (I wish they were), and it's common to go back and forth between feelings each day or within an hour even. There's no time lines or frames on grief either.
Delayed reactions can happen too. I think is happening to me now. I didn't grow up with an affectionate family either, and it was so taboo to express emotions esp. negative ones.
It's been a year and a half since I lost my mom. I haven't seen my "family" of my surviving dad and brother since then. My dad is stoic, unemotional, and emotionally unavailable. My brother isn't talking to me or is mad at me. There's been no hugs or crying together or visiting her ashes together or anything.
The grief group has helped but there's just 2 more sessions left.
I would like the floodgates to open too but so far nothing. I did eventually cry an ocean of tears over my aunt, but I had a better relationship with her.
The 2 year anniversary of a friend's death is coming next month. I have visited his grave many times since he passed in 2016 but I felt/feel a connection. That's not the case with my mom. We were never close, as much as I tried to form some kind of connection with her multiple times. I gave up eventually.
It's a Jewish custom to put stones on the graves when you visit them, to show that that person has not been forgotten. I've been putting stones on his grave, and I've been collecting some too that are a lot bigger than what the office gave me.
They are big enough for me to draw a heart on it or to write "Dear friend" on it. I got the idea from seeing someone's grave that had stones all the way around it. They were different colors and sizes, with messages on them. He was just 15!
So that gave me the idea to do the same to my friend's grave. He was 54, my age. Eventually I hope to have stones surrounding it.
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I think that's what I'm having trouble with--the fact that grief isn't linear or how there's a set timeline on the process. I like set deadlines, perimeters, what to expect and when to expect. I grew up very structured and having to take care of things, so it's sort of ingrained in me, I think. Feelings around things that aren't controllable... it's kind of frustrating.
Delayed reactions are kind of awful. Not knowing when they're going to appear. I want to stay in my bubble, but I know that's not healthy.
Although, on the anniversary of my friend's death, it's almost subconscious. I won't recall it instantly. But I'll see an activity (last year I saw a kid on campus slack-lining) and it reminded me of that friend. That friend was an adventurer and slack-lining was a thing he got into and I my eyes started welling up remembering that. Coincidentally on the anniversary of his death. It was a strange feeling.
You've got an understanding of growing up without much affection. That's how my dad is too. Any emotional response, he gets angry and tells me to knock it the hell off lol. So bottling and keeping busy is what I'm decent at.
Would you suggest going to a grief group?
That's a lovely tradition, with the rocks. The people I know that have passed don't have a place to do that. My brother was cremated and scattered on the coast in California and my friend was also cremated, but his family scattered the ashes somewhere the rest of us don't know. And other family members live in a different country.