I think there is a mixed message here from the bf: “do your own thing, say your own thoughts, but if you do I probably am going to be upset with you and possibly give you the silent treatment.”

My perspective on being alone is this: don’t ask him for time alone, just inform him that you are doing X alone.

You have massive stress in this relationship because he wants many things to be a certain way, and you pretzel yourself into trying to meet his requirements for fear of the consequences if you don’t.

It isn’t your job to be the person he wants you to be. Your job is to be mumblyocelot. If mumblyocelot as her normal self isn’t good enough for him, then it is time to move on. His loss.

I agree completely agree with divine that your self-pretzeling likely has something to do with your childhood, and that therapy would be a good way to figure out the connection.