I keep my mouth shut a lot. Recently, it's come to my attention that I may keep quiet too much. I was always told that unless I had something important to say or something that actually mattered, I should shut up and listen. As a kid I talked too much, not that it was anything actually important but I had a lot to say for some reason. I think it was around the third grade I learned not to talk to adults because nothing I had to say should matter. I still talked to my friends a lot, though. Middle school happened and I didn't really have friends anymore, except one who would occasionally tell me I need to talk less. By high school I'd only talk a lot while under the influence of alcohol. After a while that even stopped.

My friends and fiance have told me several times over the past few weeks that I need to talk more. But why? What is there to talk about? I don't understand the need to have me speak when other people obviously have more to say. And truthfully, they really don't want me to talk because all I can think of to talk about are things no one wants to hear. "What's wrong?" You don't want to know, so I say 'nothing'. "What's going on inside your head?" Nothing that doesn't go through my head all day, everyday, so I tell them 'same old stuff'. And yes, I've tried to tell them, I've tried to talk about it. Over and over, I'm told to, "Let it go and get over it." Yeah, thanks I haven't tried that.

Now I even get the, "You're never around anymore." Really? Maybe it's because of comments like, "I hate depressed people. Can't just have a good time." That was said after I had confessed the reason I wasn't coming around much, because I didn't want to bring anyone down with me. Maybe if I would've said something back, maybe it would have made a difference, but I doubt it. That's the sort of **** my dad would say and when I'd stick up for myself he'd say even worse until I either left or he'd just kick me out of the house for the night (no matter how many degrees below freezing it was). In my experience, no one is actually open to hearing my side, how I feel or what matters to me. I let others speak about me how they wish because I can't change their mind and see no point in trying.

I don't know if anyone else relates to what I'm writing here. And I don't even know why I've written it. I'm just tired of people telling me how I feel and what I think, and then using it against me like it's fact. So, yeah, maybe I don't speak enough (that could be why they fill in the speech bubbles for me), but maybe it's because I have no room to say a damn word or syllable.