First time I have seen my T in almost 4 weeks. I walked in and said "can I have a hug please" he stood up and we had a long hug. I felt he looked like he's lost weight while he's been away. He was not overweight anyway. I'm wondering whether it was an active holiday.
I sat down and I said I am sorry I didn't manage to not email you. He said "It's alright!" And "I was curious about your email on fathers day". I was irritated by his chirpiness. I just looked at him and he said "but we don't have to talk about it".
I was very quiet and finding it difficult to say anything. He asked me what was happening. I said I have found it difficult and I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to talk. T said he wondered if I was angry at him and turning it inwards. I said I was annoyed that he was so jolly when it's been so hard for me. I said I wanted to say "you don't have a ****ing clue". I said it annoyed me he thought the email was curious, but he has no idea what emotions are behind it for me. He said I'm right, he doesn't know how hard it was for me. He said the jolliness is because he is to pleased to see me. I nodded and we looked at each other. He said he liked when I came in and asked to hug him. He said he liked hugging me, and also liked that I came in and asked for exactly what I needed. I said "I missed you". He said "I know and I felt it in the hug". I felt a welling of emotion (I rarely cry so it wasn't evident) and I told him. He asked whether it was sadness. I said I'm not sad but I'm not happy either. He said "Just stirred up?" I said yeah. I said "I'm pleased to see you too, obviously."
I told him about my new supervisor and some problems with my old supervisor (he knows my old supervisor). He asked how I'm going to hold all this. I asked what he meant. He said that I am learning a lot about how to supervise and how not to supervise. He said that one day he can imagine I will supervise so how am I going to hold on to those experiences. I said the same way I held on to my experiences poor therapy and good therapy before I trained. These are felt experiences, it's not the same as learning out of a text book. You don't forget.
He went to the toilet (We had a 90 min session) and I took a sneaky picture of his room from my angle and then I found an animation I had made of a fidget toy I had borrowed as a transitional object. It was a little funny video of the toy moving like a caterpillar and stealing a sweet from a bag of sweets. He liked it and thanked me for it. I told him I called his toy Fidget the caterpillar and the red end is his head. T said that's important to know and he sat the fidget toy up in its caterpillar form.
I told him about dreams that i had both about him and about T1. He highlighted the one where an old teacher of mine called T unethical and overinvolved (in my dream). He said if that teacher is a part of me, what's it saying? I said it's saying we need to keep an eye on things as we always have. He agreed.
I told him about another dream where he and my Dad were kind of laughing together about something and it got onto talking about meeting with my Dad irl and feeling really good about the honest conversation I had had with him. T said "great" in a really quiet, almost emotional voice and he smiled slightly at me. I said "you look proud of me. It might be projection." T said "It's definitely not just projection. I am proud of you and the way you are developing." He said something I can't quite remember about being proud of how committed I am, even when things are difficult or something. I looked down. He said what? I said "I wanted to say, you have been a big part of that". He sighed and said that felt good to hear.
He brought us back to one of dreams about T1. He said he wondered if T1 represented something else in the dream. He asked how I felt in the dream. I said powerless. He asked when else I felt that. I said with my kids. I feel like the dynamic between them is really hard to manage sometimes. We explored that a bit. I said I have trouble telling him about my parenting struggles because he once said to me something praising my parenting skills and I didn't want to shatter that perception. He said i need to trust him not to judge. I said I know I do.
We were coming to the end. I payed him and we stood up and hugged again. I felt him pull me into him this time. It felt good. I said "Thanks for coming back" he laughed. I said "I love you" and he said mmm.
After we hugged I said see you next week. He said "yep, usual time, usual place."

Next session I need to explore his response to the father's day email more. He's obviously a fatherly figure to me so I don't think my email was unusual. I want to know what he thinks about it.