Hey, sorry I haven't posted in a while. My depression is really putting the brakes on my life as a whole. Within the past few months, I have literally slept through entire days, waking up to go to the bathroom, but usually back to sleep. Even any caffeine to get me awake doesn't last long. And because I generally like dreaming, that's usually the 'Good' part of my life right now....

I haven't seen a therapist in a long time, and I think the meds are no longer having a strong effect. Hell, it took me all day just to get moving enough to post this.


But, the real issue is, to put it bluntly, don't believe anyone can help my situation, only make it worse. While I'm certainly the standard model for 'walking depression,' I've had this condition for so long, that a lot of the severe negative thoughts feel normal. Such thoughts would probably scare any therapist into trying to get me admitted for a while at the hospital.


And after my first, only, and Last visit to the 'behavioral center' as they called it: I do not feel comfortable going back there. It wasn't that the nursing staff or doctors were bad; in fact they were the best part. It was the patients and my lack of understanding of what it was. Bluntly put, it's a psych ward.


tl;dr for below, I asked for help and felt like I got kicked in the nuts for reaching out.

Rant below:


I did not realize that you were going to be stuck inside of there for an indefinite amount of time. More-so on the very first night, I had a poor old lady who was suffering from severe dementia in there who was so scared, she literally screamed bloody murder in the middle of the night around midnight/1 a.m. This even pissed off another guy who randomly yelled at her, freaking out the staff.


Thankfully, everyone calmed down and no one got hurt, and she was quiet the remainder of my stay. But apparently, my heart rate was 'unusually high' in the morning, and they asked if I had anxiety issues (I didn't at the time...). Yeah, No ****ing **** my heart rate was high . I don't like yelling conflicts, prison like environments, a god damn wrist band I can't take off, lack of privacy, and lack of information on what this is going to cost me. So yeah, my heart rate was probably going to be high...

And that last one, the cost, was definitely the nail in the coffin. In total, for a three night, four day stay, it was around $3,800 out of pocket, even with insurance... I could have taken 6 weeks off of work for that cost, gone on an extended vacation, or even paid off my car early. Nope, now I'm even more tight-lipped about what I say around others, just on the off chance they might take it the wrong way and send me back there.


/rant

even writing this out makes me want to give up more on trying to find any therapist around this area. I've missed appointments in the past, and usually most therapists I've seen in the past barely have enough room for one appointment per month. even though I believe I definitely need to see someone more readily. It seems like everyone is just too busy to help anyone steadily. And with my cheap-o insurance, I doubt I will be able to find anyone who isn't balls deep in other clients like myself....


I don't know why I'm even writing this in the first place.... I've never been good at replying to my own threads anyways....