I think that's what I'm having trouble with--the fact that grief isn't linear or how there's a set timeline on the process. I like set deadlines, perimeters, what to expect and when to expect. I grew up very structured and having to take care of things, so it's sort of ingrained in me, I think. Feelings around things that aren't controllable... it's kind of frustrating.

Delayed reactions are kind of awful. Not knowing when they're going to appear. I want to stay in my bubble, but I know that's not healthy.

Although, on the anniversary of my friend's death, it's almost subconscious. I won't recall it instantly. But I'll see an activity (last year I saw a kid on campus slack-lining) and it reminded me of that friend. That friend was an adventurer and slack-lining was a thing he got into and I my eyes started welling up remembering that. Coincidentally on the anniversary of his death. It was a strange feeling.

You've got an understanding of growing up without much affection. That's how my dad is too. Any emotional response, he gets angry and tells me to knock it the hell off lol. So bottling and keeping busy is what I'm decent at.

Would you suggest going to a grief group?

That's a lovely tradition, with the rocks. The people I know that have passed don't have a place to do that. My brother was cremated and scattered on the coast in California and my friend was also cremated, but his family scattered the ashes somewhere the rest of us don't know. And other family members live in a different country.