I'll start with a repost of my In Session Today:
T Monday. He said he had to grab his coffee and would be right in. I went, sat down, opened my fizzy water, he came in with his coffee mug. He said, "So we each have our respective drinks in order?" I said I did, assumed he did. I said I thought I was either getting a cold or having issues with allergies, but just in case the first, I wouldn't shake his hand at end. He said there was a lot of pollen out. I said yeah, including grass pollen, which is one of my allergies (from testing). T: "Oh, thanks, you just reminded me I had to get gas for my lawnmower." Me: "Glad I could help you with the reminder. So is that $5 off my bill?" T: "Only $5?" Me: "OK, I'll take $10."

Thursday's session came up, and I said I still generally felt OK about what we discussed. He said he was glad and asked if there was anything else I wanted to address from that. I said there were a couple loose ends I kind of wanted to tie up but didn't want to do that right then.

Talked about what I wanted to talk about, I said probably ex-MC stuff, since I'd reacted to it so strongly (lots of tears) last session. He said OK, but also wanted to let me know he hadn't forgotten about the trauma list I'd given him, that we could work on that when I was ready. And he also wanted to work more on stuff with my parents--well, more with my mom--and the influence she has on me. And to possibly do a family tree sort of thing where we trace the roles different people had in my life. Me: "OK, that sounds good, but can we do ex-MC stuff today?" T: "Sure."

I said we'd never discussed the final e-mail I'd received from ex-MC last month because at the time, we'd been dealing with the whole stone thing. T: "Do you have it with you?" I pulled it from my purse and handed it to him. As he read, I stared at the books on his shelf, noting one was "Attachment in Adulthood." I wanted to be like, "Um, have you read that one? Just curious..." but didn't.

He finished reading. I said how it felt like the end of ex-MC's e-mail was basically, "Bye, have a nice life." T said he could understand how I'd interpret it that way. I said it felt like at the end of a breakup, when another person wishes you well. I made some comment about him caring before, and T said, "Do you think he doesn't still care about you?' I said I didn't know. T: "I'm pretty sure he still cares about you, even if he's not seeing you anymore. I mean, he probably doesn't think about you anymore, but." Me: [tears--that comment really upset me, even if it was likely true] "Yeah, you're probably right that he doesn't think about me...He has other people to think about now..."

Talked some about ex-MC's inconsistency with me and how difficult that was, how he'd say we could talk about anything in session (including my transference), then next session say we had to stick to marriage counseling topics. I said that was even if H was OK with it. And that we had discussed transference/other issues of my directly with H there in session. T said how he got the sense that my H was someone who was just often content to sit back and observe. I said yes. He said also that maybe it was easier in a way for H if ex-MC was meeting my needs at the time, like meeting my emotional needs. I said that was an interesting consideration. T said maybe it took some of the pressure off H. I said maybe it did, but then there were also times when H was jealous of ex-MC, which I guess is understandable.

More stuff about inconsistency. T said he wondered if some of what was going on was that ex-MC was dealing with his wife's death during part of it. I said that made sense, plus she was apparently already pretty sick when I first shared the transference with him. I think T was basically saying maybe he was off his game/distracted.

T mentioned ex-MC's possible discomfort with my transference. I said, "Yeah, maybe it would have been different if I was, say, a teen, at least for the paternal stuff." T: "Or maybe a senior citizen. Maybe the fact that you were close to him in age made him less comfortable with it--not that I'm trying to say you're older than you are!" (ex-MC is 12 years older than me). This comment really made me wonder (something I'd already suspected)--is part of why T seems so uncomfortable with my transference partly because I'm close in age to him? (he's 7 years older than me). I could see how either erotic or paternal transference could make him more uncomfortable than if I was much younger or much older. Like I wonder if he was kind of projecting that discomfort onto ex-MC?

At this point, I'd used up the tissues in the box next to me, so I went to get the other one from across the room. I pulled one tissue out, and the last few came with it. I commented on it, and T said, "Uh-oh, guess we can see how much emotion 3 tissues can hold!" I counted and said, "Actually, 4!"

I said I'd had this idea. Did he remember how I said I had this voicemail from ex-MC from a few years ago that was really caring that I listened to sometimes in the past? He said yes. I said I'd checked, it was still on my phone. I hadn't listened to it in over 6 months, maybe closer to a year. He seemed surprised. I said I was thinking maybe I could listen to it in session with him, like to kind of process it?

T: "What would you hope to get out of that?" Me: "I'm not sure, maybe to process some of the feelings around how it felt like he cared so much then, and how that seemed to change?" T: Hm. Me: "Or, I don't know, in some pathetic way, to be like, 'See? He really did care about me!' Not that I think you don't believe that..." T: "Explain to me more why you want to listen to it here." Me: "Because I haven't heard it in a long time and don't really want to listen to it alone? Like I want support with it?" T: "Hm" He seemed to be pushing back so much against it that I sadly dropped the idea. Even though it had been one of my plans for session.

I think we talked about some other ex-MC stuff for a bit. I then asked if he had gotten or was still planning to get consultation about the stone. T: "Friday. My consulting group just happens to meet then--it's about 6 times a year--so I thought I'd bring it up then." Me: "OK, thanks for planning to bring it up." Very curious as to what they say (though also curious as to what modalities the other T's in group use or how experienced they are).

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for Monday (he said he'd held my usual slot open for me). Went over to pay. Me: "Remember, I not shaking your hand in case I have a cold." T: "I won't be offended." Me: "Don't want to chance getting you sick." T: "I appreciate that."

Then, T: "I want to let you know that your e-mail last week took me about 30 minutes--really, 35--to read and write, so I'm charging you $90." Me: "What? I thought the first 15 minutes were free, then you charged for the next 15?" T: "I thought I'd made my policy clear." Me: "But it was only $45 the other times." T: "We can discuss my e-mail policy more next session." Me: ... I turn to leave. T: "Take care of yourself." Me: You too.

I got in the car and started sobbing, which continued for quite a while in the afternoon and led to a couple e-mail exchanges (which should be free due to their short length--I posted some of them on couch before). I thought at first my reaction was all about the money, feeling he was gouging me, then realized it was probably more about that I felt like I was just a dollar sign to him. Then I realized it's partly related to the fact that we talked about all the ex-MC stuff in session. But as I've thought about it more, I think something from that session--whether the e-mail charge or from earlier in session or both--must tie in to some stuff from my past, like both with ex-MC and childhood, because it felt much more intense than it should have given the situation. Like I felt it in my chest a bit, which I've found tends to be a transference/stuff from my past sign.