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yellow_fleurs · Jun 28, 2018, 07:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I think you're either rapid cycling or in a mixed state, but I'm obviously no dr or therapist. But yeah, I've been there before and it's definitely not fun. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I've had suicidal thoughts when hypo/manic rather than when mixed or depressed, but... it wasn't like what you're getting.

Possible trigger:

I basically start a bunch of new projects etc and do crazy stuff like speed on the highway at 113mph, weaving in and out of traffic during rush hour. Also spending too much money and saying things I shouldn't say. Then I regret it partway and impulsively want to off myself, because of my stupidity and because I feel there is no fixing what I did. However, that is not actually a crash, because I pick right back up where I left off. I then realize I'm just being impulsive, and I say, "What was I thinking? I'm awesome and I'm a superhero meant to save the world. I can't off myself!!!" I keep doing stupid stuff, until I finally crash into a mixed or depressive episode where I feel like the world is better off without me.

Thanks this was helpful! Yeah, some of my thoughts are pretty different than how you described. I could very well be rapid cycling or in a mixed state. Seems to be my norm right now since I am not stable on meds yet, it's just weird to feel really good at the same time!