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Originally Posted by purplemystery
My fiance and I have been together for 2&1/2 years, and recently some doubts about the relationship have been occurring for me, which I think may be related to taking the next step because we are newly engaged. I'm trying to learn how to completely accept him for who he is rather than wishing he was a bit different.
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My suggestion is: don't marry him until/if you can't accept him as he is.
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My doubts are centering around the thought that I have always imagined growing up that my "ideal" partner would be able to understand my intense emotions, would find them fascinating or beautiful even. What if I can't connect with my partner on as deep and as intense of a level as I would with someone else? What if he will never be able to understand me completely, and therefore fully appreciate my inner soul? I feel connected to him currently, but not as deeply as I have imagined, although I'm unsure if I'm expecting too much from relationships due to learned idealism about the perfect connection.
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Patience. I believe it takes a long time to connect that completely. Just see if the direction is right and then it should be OK. I'm also a logical type (Myers Briggs: ISTJ) but I do find some more emotional people fascinating. I'm not able to engage with all such people, just some of them, it depends on whatever other factors I guess. I can't say I fully understand all their emotions but it can still be fascinating/beautiful yes. I think if you could see the interest in him (if he has much interest at all) it could help. Does he say he has an interest in trying to connect like this? Even if he would be doing it in his own way... he would probably be the more passive partner emotionally even if interested in your stuff. And this is what is unlikely to change.
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2. Does anyone have experience in a relationship where you are opposites in this way? How do you communicate/understand/connect with each other?
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Yeah, and I believe it either works or doesn't, you can't force it. Like I said it works for me with some of the emotional people and doesn't with other emotional people.
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3. In general, how do you accept differences or lack of fantasy qualities in your relationship?
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Oh I don't have much of fantasy stuff going on usually. I accept it if my partner has them in abundance, though. It could first seem excessive to me but if I understand that's just the way they are I am able to just accept it and even listen with interest. As long as I do care about the person otherwise.
PS: Premarital counseling? There's now such a thing too? It seems like overkill to me. I'd see it as a red flag if the relationship can't work without that. But then maybe I'm still too idealistic.
Just kidding, my actual opinion is that relationships need compromise, but at one point compromise can be too much, and I believe that it should be possible to find the natural balance without external help so early on. I'm sure some counseling can be useful for understanding the relationship betterin general, but it shouldn't be about having to solve really bad problems that are already coming up even before marriage.