OK, here you go, long as usual!

T today. Walked back to office, and I said I did in fact have a cold, did he want me to sit in the far-away chair? T: "Just don't sneeze on me." Me: "OK! I brought my own tissues, too." I sat in my usual couch spot across from him, and he went over, grabbed the wicker trash can, took the lid off, and put it next to me. Me: "Thanks."

Me: "OK, before you say anything, I know my using e-mail so much is a maladaptive way of dealing with things. And I need to figure out other ways to handle my feelings without using e-mail." T: "Is that what you think or what you're afraid I think?" Me: "I think a bit of both? I mean, I know I should find other ways of dealing with my feelings. But I also worry you're just going to say that I need to stop and that's not going to help me, I need to figure out how to do that on my own, like maybe with your help, but..." T: "That wasn't something I was going to bring up today at all." Me: "OK, I was just worried..." T: "You haven't crossed any boundaries. I mean, the ones you sent Monday took me maybe 5-10 minutes in total to read/respond to, that's not a big deal at all." Me: "Oh, OK."

I said I also realized that my reaction to stuff from Monday wasn't really about the money at all. That I was really upset, but obviously it wasn't about $20 or $45. I thought some stuff from session must have triggered it, how I was basically inconsolable for a few hours that afternoon. T: "What do you think it was from? And I don't expect you to have a definite answer. We can talk it through."

Me: "I think some of it was from talking about ex-MC, like feeling sad about that, but some of it was from stuff before that, too. I guess transference kind of stuff, like probably from my childhood that I was shifting to you. And I want to figure out what it was. That's the kind of thing I mean when I talk about working through transference." T: "OK, that would be good to figure out." Me: "The thing with working with you on transference is, remember, that it's not really about *you* but stuff from the past." T: "But it is partly about me, if I'm the object of it." Me: "Oh, I guess you're right." T: "So I am involved in it." Me: "yeah."

Me: "I think also maybe part of it was from how I wanted to play the ex-MC voicemail, but then you kept questioning me about it, and i just felt shut down, so I backed off." T: "I certainly didn't intend to make you feel that way." Me: "OK, thanks. I just felt like you expected me to know exactly what I wanted from it, and maybe I wasn't sure?" T: "OK." Me: "Was it maybe a case where you were concerned that listening to it could hurt me, make me more upset?" T: "Actually, yes, that was a concern of mine. A former client, she had a voicemail from her late mother, who had died a few years earlier. And she'd listen to it at times, and then get really upset afterward, for maybe a week or more. It was like it kept her from moving forward. She eventually ended up archiving it, so she still had it."

Me: "Oh...that makes sense. It would have been better if you'd just told me you were concerned about that though?" T: "I didn't want to plant the seed in your mind, if listening to it was really about something else for you." Me: "OK. I had thought it was more about processing it, grieving it." T: "It may have been for you. And maybe you wanted to process it here with me instead of alone. It's something you can give more thought to." Me: "OK." T: "I was also concerned because you'd said before the strong effect that ex-MC's voice can have on you." Me: "Yeah..."

Me: "Another thing I thought of is at the start of session, I said how there were some loose ends from the previous session." T: "I think we both felt there were loose ends." Me: "Yes, but I was afraid to bring them up. There was one...I wanted you to clarify something you'd said...but if I'd asked you about it...I mean, you're not stupid, you probably would have figured out why I was asking. The other thing was I wanted to share a dream with you but I was afraid to."

T: "Why were you afraid to talk about those things?" Me: "I was afraid of how you'd react, that you'd be uncomfortable or...I don't know, maybe shame me?" T: "Why would you think that?" Me: "I hate to bring this up, but...the stone." T: "I still don't know why I responded that way, it may have been about my stuff." Me: "Yeah, but it still makes me worried to bring up other stuff. I feel I should be able to talk about anything in here but then that made me think that I can't." T: "You can talk about whatever. Like I said, if it makes me uncomfortable, it's OK, we can just talk about it."

Me: "OK, well...so it's that story you told about the woman who had the fantasy with you and her husband, and then she said she wanted to rip your clothes off. So was that an issue for you because (holding up fingers) 1) she had a fantasy about you, 2) she told you about that fantasy, 3) she told you details about that fantasy, or 4) she was basically coming on to you in session?" T: "The last one." Me: "Oh...OK. That makes more sense. I thought maybe you were saying it wouldn't have been OK to share if she had a fantasy about you." T: "Well, we can't control our thoughts. I mean, we all have sexual fantasies, but I can't go sharing it with anyone I think about, because I feel like that would be sexual harassment." Me: "OK, but wouldn't it be different in therapy?" (Me, thinking to myself: You have to know why I'm asking these questions, right?)

T: "Well, I'm not sure it would have therapeutic value. I mean, it's just a normal thing to have sexual thoughts about other people. It's not like it would be a transference thing." Me: "Um, what makes you say that? Because I'm pretty sure it was a transference thing with ex-MC." T: "Oh?" Me: "Well, I mean...it felt tied in to other feelings for him. And those thoughts about him...they were more about closeness, wanted to be close to him. Rather than, like, something from a porno." T: "Oh." He said he always got the sense that I wanted "more" from ex-MC, like I wanted to be closer to him, so sex could be a way to get that, to get more intimacy. I agreed.

Me: "And I feel like there could be therapeutic value in examining some of the thoughts behind them. Like, he was giving me so much therapeutically and in caring about me, and it was like...I wanted a way to give something back to him, too. Like, I thought...ways to make him, uh, feel good. Sorry, I hope this isn't too weird talking about someone you know." T: "It's OK, it doesn't bother me. I mean, I've never had those thoughts about him personally, but..." I laughed.

Me: "And I wonder if maybe that could be connected to how I could relate to men in general?" (hint hint!) "Like stuff with H, my ex in college, how if he was upset with me, I'd think I could have sex with him, then he'd feel good and forget he was upset with me." T: "But if that's just about H, ex-bf, and ex-MC, those were people you felt particularly close to, maybe it's just about how you related to them, not all men." Me: "Maybe? I'm still saying there are thoughts coming out of it that could be useful to examine." (Have you not figured out where I'm going with this?)

I think I noticed we had 15 minutes left (always my favorite time to bring up awkward stuff!) I said there was something else I wanted to mention but was afraid to. But then if I felt I couldn't talk about it, it was like there was this block there, between us, like a wall. T: "I hope you have a better sense of where the wall is now." Me: "Yes, but I meant a thing in blocking me from talking to you." T: "Oh ok." Me: "I want to be able to share anything." T: "Remember, it's OK to talk about something even if it makes me uncomfortable. We can talk through it."

Me: "Uh...OK. [staring at carpet] So I've also had some...sexual thoughts...involving you." [Glances nervously up at him.] T: "That's OK. Like I said, you can't control what you think about." Me: "Really? I was afraid that would make you uncomfortable." T: "Not especially. If you have those kinds of thoughts about me occasionally or even more often than that, I'm OK with that." Me: "Oh, OK. That makes me feel better."

I tried to change subject. T: "Is this something you're going to be worried about later, my reaction?" Me: "You mean am I going to e-mail you after session? I don't know." T laughed. "No, I wasn't talking about you e-mailing me. I just wondered if you wanted to talk about it a little more now, since we still have a few minutes." Me: "Oh, uh, OK. But I'll still try not to e-mail. I'll try to remember what you said in session and how you said it." T: "Good. Remember, I'll always be honest with you if something were to bother me." Me: "yeah, and I appreciate that honesty...most of the time!"

Me: "I guess I just worry...you might be fine with it now, but then what if the moment I walk out the door or later tonight, you're suddenly like, 'Ew!'" T: "That would be a rather rejecting reaction!" Me: "OK, maybe not ew, but that you realize you aren't comfortable with it." T: "What do you think I would do?" Me: "Well, I'd be afraid I'd come in Monday and you'd say I have to leave." T: "No, not what you're afraid I would do. What would I actually do?" Me: "You'd talk about it with me?" T: "Yes, we'd talk through it." Me: "OK, I'll try to remember that."

We were almost at a full hour. Scheduled. I offered to use hand sanitizer before handing him my credit card (we didn't get to paying at start of session), he said was OK. As I was paying, I mentioned getting formally rejected from PhD program, saying I hadn't wanted to spend session on it. He sounded genuinely sad for me. I thanked him and said was OK. I instinctively turned for handshake, and he was like, "No handshake, right?" (because I'm sick) Me: "Right, sorry, habit!" He said he hoped I knocked the cold out quickly. I thanked him. As I turned to walk out he said, "Take care." I turned back to him and said: "You too."