Thanks for trying to help me find a better group for this mysterious 'it'. This was years ago. My first experience of therapy, in fact. But the phrases used by the medics stung so hard, I will never forget them.

One essential factor for people like me is that asking for help is really hard.

I had a violent father. He would lose control, and do things that almost killed us. Everyone was scared of him. In my whole life, I never saw one person stand up to him.

We grew up on a high rise block of flats, and I remember always having it at the back of my mind that, one day, he might lose his temper and throw one of us off!

We had to act 'normal' at all times. But, as soon as our front door closed, it was chaos and horror.

I remember once, I had a scooter; the kind you have before you're old enough for a bike. I was maybe five or six? I was riding it on the landings outside our flat, and lost control. Somehow, I ended up crashing into the glass panel beside our front door. It smashed to pieces. I was face down, covered in broken glass. My brother came running after me, white as a sheet. It was shocking and scary, going headfirst through a window. Anyway, the point is that I didn't cry. I just froze. My brother and I stared at each other, both thinking the same thing as our father charged out to see what had happened.

He's going to kill us.

I'd had a serious accident. I was hurt. And that's all I could think about.

This is a very long-winded way of saying that shame and secrecy were a huge part of our lives.

I escaped by winning a place at university, and leaving town.

Unfortunately, I couldn't so easily leave behind that state of mind and during the end of my first year, became anxious and depressed.

I couldn't trust anyone. Never felt safe. Had absolutely no idea how to express or even feel my own emotions, having been an adapted child for so long.

Although I genuinely did see myself as a 'survivor' - determined to leave the fear and humiliation behind and have a life of my own - suicidal thoughts started to appear.

I wasn't sure what to do, and found myself in a GP's surgery. They referred me to a therapy clinic that was supposed to be good with young people / students.

Unfortunately, the therapist I saw was not good. I've seen good ones since, and looking back, I cannot believe how ineffective she was. Many of her phrases are still in my mind (I've mentioned her before here on PC). She told me I had to develop a thicker skin. She was always saying some variation on, 'I'm not your mum.' Pretty heartless considering I had revealed to her some of the secrets in my past.

I started cancelling appointments. Therapy was making me much worse. I was already close to the edge, and her insensitive comments, well I was terrified they would push me over.

Imagine how most people feel if someone says they've put on weight, or their skin looks spotty, or something. That's what I mean by insensitive. That's the kind of observation she would make.

I dragged myself there one session.

At the end, I couldn't get out of the chair.

I was scared that, if I left that building, I would not make it home.

The therapist did not respond well!

To cut a long story short, I sat in the waiting-room for hours and hours. It was clear to me that a one-hour weekly appointment with this clumsy and cold person was not even touching my pain.

Finally, another therapist came along. He told me they had a therapy group at the clinic. Young people, like me, with a wide range of issues.

Hope!

We talked a little longer. I was crying, I'm sure, out of gratitude and relief.

He withdrew the offer.

It is unbelievable, but true.

'I don't think you'd be right for the group.'

What???

I felt so humiliated.

He said, 'I think you might be....too much.'

It was the crying, maybe, but also the seriousness of the things my father had done.(Well, I can only guess at what was going through his mind. I wasn't out of control, or anything).

They sent me home.

I've written here before about that journey. It was along a busy road, and I came extremely close to jumping under a lorry!)

Wow. I didn't mean this to be so long and detailed.