Just had my last session for a week. I felt myself sititng feeling annoyed that the only way to get through this is to talk about it with T. I managed eventually to raise the topic of the break and felt my throat hurting as the anger went through my body. I told T that I refuse to get angry and give her satisfaction, though I knew this was maddness but I couldn't stop myself feeling it.

T said what would happen if you allow yourself to be angry? I said that I get to feel all the hurt and anger and she gets to get the break!! Then I sat quite and really wanted T to rescue me here, but she sat quite too, and finally as I realised I'm paying for therapy and its my recovery, I forced myselt to explore somemore and surrended to her, though this is only my maddness telling me I am surrending to her, and told her that I don't want to get angry and destroy her because I have nothing left in my life that I can hold onto and love if I do this. As I said this I realised thats how it was as a child when adoptive mum wasnt there for me in some way and I would have to learn to love her and keep on loving her because there was no one else.

At this point I said to T, oh dear, this isn't about you is it? T said, no its about all the times you didn't get what you needed. I said but it hurts, I don't want to hurt, T said it seems by not allowing yourself to be angry, you are left with hurt which you have hidden by using anger ot cover it.

I remembered then and couldnt believe I had forgotten how all those times as a child hating mum but having to forgive her all the time, how did I forget that??? how did I get rid of those feelings then? I guess we just swallowed hard and forgot.

Gradually today during session, I managed to make a big inroad and seperate T and the past. All those times we didnt get what we needed must have been awful as children.

Phew I feel ok right now. OH and T said its ok to be angry wiht her and the room, It will still be there if I do. I said I can't tell you how much at a deep level I truely believed that I could destroy you and make you disappear if I got angry. I really needed to hear her say those words today, I think she may have said them before, but I wasn't ready to hear them then.