Well, I have a form of amnesia (I am not kidding, years of listening to music while reading fiction has led to this... if the asphyxiation and head trauma were not sufficient) but before I knew that, or perhaps more accurately before the onset begun, I used to top my science class. I used to get at least above 80%. At the very, very least. Usual score was between 85-90%. Psychosis hit me when I came to ninth grade and lost all my passion for science. For a year. Then came my scientific salvation and I hit psychosis back. Literally. Like a punch to the disease. I studied science and managed to get 84% in the prelim. But for the board exam, I got only 68%... True, I was hearing voices and was delusional even in the examination hall (my friend broke up with me before the board exam, which was around two months after the prelim. the breakup happened in between.)


I was crushed. I thought I could get 90% as usual. It was more than two years ago. As my insight increased, my grades dropped. They never rose. They still haven't. I get less than 50% marks now. But I still haven't lost hope. I remind myself, while my whole class cheated, on only occasion., I got 37 out of total 40 marks. I didn't cheat. It was biology preparation exam. My handwriting was terrible as always, so were my diagrams, but I practiced day and night before the exam, like my whole future was based on it. I succeeded. But before the first semester exam... I discovered I have memory loss. That broke me down. I never topped a class again.

I haven't given up hope yet. I know I can be a doctor. I just have to work smart enough. I am re-giving the medical entrance exam. Till I get accepted. We have fourteen attempts, I have thirteen left. In those six and half a years (NEET, National Eligibility cum Entrance Exam, will be conduced twice a year starting from this December) , if I keep trying, I know I will eventually secure a seat for MBBS.

Memory loss, psychosis, tremors... nothing can stop me from becoming a doctor. After all, it's not only for myself I am becoming one. It is for my patients, a portion of mankind, I am choosing to become a doctor. If I am worthy of their service, I am pretty sure fate won't stop me from becoming one. Oh, f*k fate. I am my own maker. If I manage to control my dissociation, if I manage to study smart, if I manage to solve physics and chemistry numerical, if I manage to memorize biology.... I will secure a seat to MBBS.

Then as I would live in a government college hostel, there would be plenty of time away from my crazy parents. Which would slowly heal my cognition, I guess? Which would make a whole-brained person again. After all I topped my science class as a child, why cannot I top my medicine class as an adult? Which would completely heal me, deal complete, my field of choice of study heals not only me but also the people around me.

Such a wonderful profession medicine is! You get to heal people, anyone, right from telling them they're just over-worrying to saving their lives. Amazing, marvelous. Definitely where I will be spending my entire life. In the way I like.